This life...

The situations, the unbearable feelings that cause a near-explosion in my chest, the memories, the past week! It has been nothing but one big roller coaster ride.

Sometimes we just thing 'this could only happen to me'. And I like that. I like living this uncanny life that could not possibly be imitated because of its dangerousness, stupidity and youthful enthusiasm.

I was going to go to a very exclusive club but I had nobody to go with, I was upset the whole night, I had this feeling in my gut that this club was going to be good. I felt the vibes from miles away and all night long I ached to be there. That same night my mother went out with a friend...to that club. When she got home it was safe to say I was completely baffled not at the fact that she went to that club...but the fact that she went on 'indie night' to that club!

The next day I thought I'd listen to some old songs, some I never really cared about. This song played, and somehow every other time it floated around in the air I would push the skip button, but this time it held meaning. It was about life without someone you use to live with. Life goes on. That was the message. Life just goes on. So as I heard this I thought maybe it's time to live a little for myself for once. Do the things that I always dreamed of doing.

That day, I traveled suburbs away to an asian grocer, the contrast between a very western 'me' and the lovely oriental shoppers was painfully evident. It was even comical, I had to laugh at myself simply because I was standing in the exact spot on the world I didn't feel comfortable standing on. A man approached me with a box filled with something magical. Fireworks. So many beautiful explosions. I helped myself to a heap and went shopping to a nearby shopping center. Here, was also fun. We bought toy machine guns. Why? Who knows. They were intrusive, they were childish and they were made in China, that's all that mattered.

Between this time and home time I purchased some t shirts, a wallet, some other things and eventually ventured off home to escape the rest of the hot day. Home is good when you are alone. Loud music at home while being alone is twice as good. So is air guitar.

Now we are living in the night time. Slightly intoxicated, a bag full of fireworks and my toy machine gun my friend and I ran out of the house and out to the tram stop. Nearly every car that went by probably saw us as something more than stupid. But that was ok with me. Didn't they know that doing what you liked made you happy? Didn't they know that there is no age group for rebellion, for fun, for a good time? That night was about break the routine. And we broke it alright. We set off the wonderful fireworks, we drank the alcohol, I bought a burrito and continued my awesome night at one of my favorite clubs. Eventually i did burn out. But that was expected. I woke up the next day at 4 p.m.

Tear off your skin

I finally let it all out. All of it. I said everything I felt, everything I did and didn't want to say was said. I feel great. It's as if I tore open a giant cavity between my chest and let every dark secret out. It was worth it. This is the result of keeping things in. It's one thing to be nice and its another to say the truth. Don't hold it in next time.

Only listen if you actually hear what I'm trying to say!!

Why can't you read between the lines! Why does a love hurt? Why am I the only one being hurt, the only one giving. Relationships take two people...and I'm carrying the burden of both. I hate it. I hate this whole thing, the worst part about it is that I love you so much. I keep dropping these hints that you will never pick up, and you will NEVER know how much frustration you have caused me to have. Why do I have to step out of my comfort-zone each and every time!? I feel so damn vulnerable and all I see is you sitting there safely refusing to come out. One simple decision to bring you into my life and it has caused me months of confusion. Step out, PLEASE, for me. Do something, ANYTHING for me. You haven't the faintest idea what I'd do for you...and knowing that hurts me so much inside. Why can't you see that my heart is at my hands. My fragility is deceptive but it's existent. The definition of a crush means that it's going to hurt. I read that on the side of building and I agreed. I still agree. Crush is the most perfect word to use in a situation like this. Is attraction forever? I don't think love and attraction entwine...but they co-exist with each other. I can't tell if this is attraction or love. But I know that you mean something to me. I know that it will hurt to see July next year. But I want to be there, and I want to chase a dream. "Dreams are called dreams...because they don't come true." Is that true? What about visions? Hopes? Fears and choices? I chose this path...for you. I was scared but hopeful. Take my hand. At least have the courage to say how you really feel, say what you really want. Don't misguide me! Is there a connection between me and you? Is there progression? Is there truth? Is there an outcome? Is this a game we play? Is there at all another way to do this? How else am I meant to cope? It's so hard for me, personally, to make the first move...but I did it for you! I made a move for you! And all my honesty did was cause me confusion. I'll admit this is an unusual relationship. I'm so scared, and so are you. But at least try. I want to be with you. I don't know why, I don't care how it works. I'm living in this moment and I want this moment with you. My friend said memories will be manipulated if you hold onto them long enough, but what we feel in our hearts is completely real. The feeling cannot be changed. I feel you. I swear there is a feeling that you give me that can't compare to anybody else. Is this bad timing? Maybe that was my fault. Blame the situation we're in. I was wrong. Blame it on commitments and the excuses we both made, they only separated us. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing will EVER last. But thats the beauty in it. We can appreciate what we have if we know it will one day escape us. Be spontaneous. Be different. Face risks and uncertainty. Oh, how I want to spend this sleepless night with you. Try to understand how I feel. Try. Say how you feel. What rests on your heart right now? There is more to living than just being alive. There's more than just breathing and repeating the same damn actions. There is a reason for a love. There is a lesson to be learned. A tragedy to be faced. There is history to both of us and a future involving us. There is a reason.

You just won't leave me alone

It was better when I knew nothing. But now that I know something, it's always hard to ignore.

Looking back/forward

I think I was looking so forward to the end of school that I didn't actually realize that someone else had to start. And now I'm back to being nervous, back to being isolated but it's no longer me and a schoolyard, it's me and the world. Next year I have a whole world to face. I'm actually scared. This is the transition where we lose our childish ties and attach ourselves to more mature and aged bonds. But I don't want to sever these ties. I want to have youthful enthusiasm through all my days.

The other day I realized, I'll always be a sinner before I'm a Christian. I'll make the mistake before I learn the lesson. But don't get me wrong, life's more complicated than that. It's much more complicated.

Tell an addict to stop taking heroin and if they immediately obey, I'll reconsider what I've said.

The lazee and the lazer are one in the same

Well I brought this carelessness upon myself. This site is on hiatus, I'm going to go full throttle on the AYWF. In place of this site will be my journal. I need to write in my journal. I was fearing the perception of my family and their opinions of me writing in a journal. As for now, I don't particularly care. I need books on philosophy. I'm going to be honest, as this is my last post on here for a long time I just want to get these feelings out. I am not a child. I am not Christ-like. In fact, I'm having trouble spiritually. Not with God, not with Jesus, but the devil. The idea of a devil seems moronic to me...maybe because the concept of hell is beyond my understanding of a loving God. Could it be that God made no mistakes? Could it be that God made it so we made mistakes, so we would fall to temptations by the devil? Is that how he would find loyalty in us? Loyalty in me? And what of existence? Why did we need to exist to be loyal, to not succumb to temptations, to love God? The Neon-Genesis-Evangelion-Theory is something that captured my interest, though I know it's not real. I just want to imagine its beauty. The beauty of coexisting with death. Living and not living. Something and nothing.

Neglect

Looks like I've neglected this page for a little while. Not sure if I'll pick up on it. I sometimes feel that I should write in my actual journal instead of here. The only real reason why this site exists is because it is so much easier and quicker to access than my journal.

Past problems

They somehow come back...and I miss dealing with them. This is an issue that I want. Now, do I kill it? Do I embrace it? Going against my beliefs for a temptation. It's definitely wrong. But my heart does not have qualities like a brain. It does not think, it merely wants. It demands.

As it is.

Let's make it public. Let's not hide it anymore. Lyrics, endless lyrics that tell the stories of my life. It's funny how they do that. "We're not questioning God, just those He chose to carry on his cross. We're no better you'll see, just all of us the lost causes."

From the top. Christianity. Almost as confusing as God. I'm at a loss when I can't think of how to put something into words, words are my weapon and defense for everything I would encounter in life. How come I'm put into these positions?

It's funny how God made me. I didn't ask to be born, I had no choice in the matter of my birth, so I made it my sole duty to ensure I would be the inventor of my own God given life. Maybe I resented God because he was smarter than me. Because he could tease me. Show me something I originally couldn't see.

I never liked the idea of living for someone else when I had my own life to handle, what did it really mean to be free? "Freedom in the name of Jesus." Those words were carefully placed into a song and what did they actually mean? I still don't completely understand. I might be a believer in Christ but I'm far from a Christian. People seem to confuse the two. "Even the devil believes in God" they say.

It's always been "God hates me, God's wants me to die." People consider the existence of a God but not the devil. Christians always say "Satan hates me, Satan wants me to die." I like to think that sometimes even I can be my own demon because the real Satan shouldn't have been created by an all-knowing God or maybe should already have been destroyed if God had allowed his existence. It would be my own free will that takes me to forbidden places. If I was never meant to feel hurt...then why am I capable of it? God made me so that I could hurt. The devil doesn't hold the power to my creation or to my capabilities. But he does what he can to make sure I turn my back to God.

I once stood on the third level inside the church and I was staring over the rails. I began to think what would happen if I died right then. If I jumped off from the rails believing I could fly. And then this voice came to me "Calm down, Chris, you're not an angel yet." Let's say I jumped, is it suicide or faith? It was a good concept to dwell on during the service. Truth be told, 8 out of 10 services I drift off and get lost in my wonder of God. I think of life and death. But mostly it was the moment before death that always seemed to worry me. I so desperately want to skip through my own life story to see how it ends. A lot of things I started, I didn't finish, was God one of those things? That person who I didn't form too strong of a relationship with?

Jesus is a person. Why can't I love God like a person? Why are all of those praise songs about his power and not his love? Am I meant to feel worthless when I compare myself to You? There is no free will in the Christian world. I don't care what anyone says. It doesn't exist. God gave us 'free will'. If God gave us free will then God Himself has a sense of humor. What a joke. This is Christian free will: two choices, follow God and go to heaven or refuse and go to hell. Does anyone see the ever slight unfairness of free will here?

And what's with hell? A loving God won't send His children to hell. I believe that. I believe we enter nothingness (like the Buddhists say), until our souls reflect from the heavens forced to drift across the universe and are eventually captured by the devil and brought to hell. Where's the savior then? Eternity is a long time. It's longer than my entire life. In fact I'd relive my entire life in the torment of hell.

Then there's heaven. Heaven doesn't sound too appealing to me right now. None of my friends will be there and white really is such a bland color. I think of mental institutions when I think of the color white. Just white. Virgin white. I wonder if any celebrities are in heaven. I wonder if they get hassled only hoping they could get away from all the other paparazzi angels. Do man made things go to heaven? Like TV and Nintendo's? I doubt it, no power points.

I never understood why people were Anti-Christ, or anti-anything for that matter. Why can't we be FOR something instead of AGAINST? Instead of an Anti-Christ, they could be a Pro- Atheist. That way we all stand entitled to our beliefs. We don't fight. We respect. I suppose our pride gets in the way when we try to settle differences.

This is only a small piece of my mind. There is so much more I could write down and blabber, but time isn't on my side.

Crossroads

I'm reckless. Doing journalism for a career is reckless beyond sanity. Money never held much value for me but I understand it's an essential. I hate that. Money drives people to become big headed and reckless even more so. All I want to do is write and travel. That's all. I can put complete trust in God, but I'd appreciate if he let me know where I was heading, what His plans are for me.

Oh, to the hand that shaped the world, who bled with blood and water just to reunite with the ones You love. I ask but one favor, grant me the blessing of direction and certainty.

God is...

...a feeling sometimes. Sometimes all you are is spirit. All your thoughts are God-sent and everything you live for is Christ-like. That feeling makes me feel good. Last night there was an incredible fire in my chest that illuminated every nook and cranny. There's always a light there, but this light last night was the inferno of God's love entwined with passion. The feeling that nothing can go wrong is a feeling I don't want to last forever, but it's something we all need. Through everything I've been through, He's picked me up.

Be the change. Live with purpose and passion. Thrive to be who you want to be.

Past. present and future...who are we?

Life is most unfair.
It hurts.
Knowledge is a weapon.
Contradicting your heart.
Always there.
Always doing nothing.
The world.
The stripped beauty.
Isolation.
Depression.
Past.
Death.
Trauma.
Trust.
Abuse.
Bashed.
Mental.
Broken.
Never mended.

The Not-Shovel

"Can you see that I am not holding a shovel?"
"Yes."
"Then dig a hole with it."

Buddhists believe that somethingness and nothingness co-exist with each other. The example that I just used is proof that nothing exists where something does. The person holding the not-shovel can dig a not-hole with it, but nothing would be there because something has already vacated that area. However, though somethingness is in that area, nothingness is aswell in a separate void.

Amendment: Alright, I want to go further. So when I talk about a shovel not being existent, how is it that my partner has dug a hole with it? This is the buddhist belief that there is another void, the void we enter when we die, to cease to exist in reality, but only spirituality, in a void that is timeless and spaceless, we exist, by not taking the form of any real thing (material).

Confusing much? I love thinking about things like this. It's a giant circle that I just keep running around. It's like trying to explain God. It's impossible. Like the ants on the ground make no sense of humans, we are simply just there. We are big things that move and crush and peer through burning giant round glasses in the sun. We can't see a whole image of God, we aren't capable of conceiving the knowledge of who God really is. But He loves us just the way we are. And we love Him and stand in wonder of such a powerful name.

Religion: Church of Scientology

Curiosity killed the cat, but thankfully my faith kept intact. I wanted an understanding of this certain faith. The church of Scientology. No God, no scriptures. Only the mind, body and spirit (but there is another name used for spirit to enforce a less 'spiritual' delivery, thetan). Followers of Scientology actually measure their stress levels via some recent form of technology that can tell your specific state of mind.

One thing that had slightly upset me while I was there was the logo. A cross with a star behind it. I fail to see how a cross can be incorporated into such a faith when there is no Jesus hanging by nails onto it. As a Christian, we use the cross to describe our separation from God through sin. Scientology uses a triangle. Each corner represents something: affinity (emotional responses), reality (an agreement on what is real) and communication (the exchange of ideas).

A lot of people might think 'well what is a religion like this trying to achieve?' Happiness in eternity and infinite existence. That is the point. Scientology encourages people to live their lives as peacefully as possible and stress the fact to keep the human species alive for eternity.

Followers of Scientology believe that humans are the architects of themselves, each other, the world, the universe and the overall existence of everything that can be reached by the human eye.

For me personally, I felt sorry for what these followers were up against. In no way will I critique a faith that someone would feel so passionate about. I expect that these people would be persecuted against almost daily for their humble beliefs. I do empathize for the people, they knew of my faith and they still welcomed me with open arms which was more than greatly appreciated.

As I entered the church, it didn't seem like a church at all, or at least a church that I was accustomed to. My typical church usually consisted of windows with pictures on the stained glass reviewing historically traumatic events, gospel music, rows of seats and an altar. This church had attained none of these. Instead it took the appearance of a library/ office. There were desks with computers and aligned to the walls were a sea of books. I assumed that this particular religion had its strength in knowledge. By the appearance alone I could see the word 'church' was gimmicked into the belief that all religions should be housed in some sort of temple or church or sacred place.

It's a pity that so much controversy is dedicated to the lifestyles that people choose, but we make it so. We seem to complain about other people far easier than ourselves. A person has a humble opinion of themselves and only carry their friends around to reinforce that judgment. Then we manipulate our own culture to believe that our own decisions are the righteous ones. Maybe that's why I chose to follow God. Because he laid down the lines. There a massive book that tells us who we are.

Overall, my trip to the Church of Scientology was fairly interesting, but my 'thetan' has a completely different feeling when I enter a church that belongs to God. I'm not going to write paragraphs of biased views, take this as an informative. I'm a Pacifist-Altruist-Christian...or a PACman. Thought of that myself.

A brand spanking new fear!

Well I was thinking today, I LOVE the fact that the bible gives me both answers and questions.
If I ever was to reach a final question, I would never know what would become of me. No, I don't 'shut up and take it' like other faithful followers may, but my faith is found in truth, the word is truth and my indecisions only get me closer that resolve.

So may many more questions come from my answers and may God's true words remain forever true!

"You're escaping your problems"

I was in this terrible mood all night, and I kept asking God what was going on and why I suddenly felt so upset. Nothing was wrong with me, it was as if there was in indirect sadness from another person, and it had transcended to me through God himself. I know I felt His presence the whole time I was upset, the feeling is unmistakable.

During worship I spoke to Him. He said squarely 'You're escaping your problems.'
I constantly asked Him to fill me. 'You're filled with my spirit. You have yet to practice with it.'
At that very moment the downcast mood was lifted and I felt pretty idiotic. My connection with God is better than ever, the problem was that I was scared to use the power I possessed because of my own conscious selfishness.

The whole 'what will people think of me?' came to pass. The fact of the matter is, I'm a follower of Jesus Christ himself and that is the path I've chosen. So now I live as he did.

Preachers

It's not that I don't appreciated what they do, I mean they help save people and they tech everyone incredible lessons in incredible ways. But why do I have this distaste towards them? I always feel resilient towards them, as if I don't want to succumb to such a person. If sometimes they speak in rather condescending ways and force feed my beliefs to me. Which is something I don't want to take a bar of.

A lot of effort goes into what is said while someone preaches, but I just cannot be inspired in the least of anything that they say. The only way I push on is through revelation, which is working fine for me right now, God speaks, I listen and I feel as if I could move a mountain after feeling Him there. But when God tries to speak through a preacher I just don't feel that warmth. Maybe these things happen over time? But do I want them to? I have my dignity, I want to stay true to my beliefs...not someones empty words that are thrown out into the air.

This is not a supreme issue I'm facing, but it's just on my mind. I'm just going to let the higher ups do what they feel and I'll just go with it. Hasn't failed me to date.

For once, I want to be the same.

Usually I love to be myself, to be the different one in the group. The major downside to this is that I can't relate to anybody. I know so many people that share a single interest with me, but not a single person who shares many interests. This can hurt on the inside sometimes, when I just want to talk about the stupidities in my head, no one can ever relate. Sometimes I'd love more than anything to fit in. This would be one of those times. The time where I call that someone who knows exactly what I mean and knows exactly how I feel.

Maybe that's what soul mates are for. I remember being so dependent on my ex-girlfriend, she fixed anything broken in me all the time. I really want someone to fix me. I think it's time I found a girlfriend. Or at least some miraculous miracle of finding someone who understands the absolute crud I talk about.

I remember watching 'The Beach' and one scene that completely derailed my train of thought was when two people were sitting on a beach at night looking through a telescope. The man says "...and to think that in some parallel universe there is another planet with another you staring right back at yourself."

I wish I could meet that person.

The definition of 'normal' *working title*

I've been rewriting my first novel, an all time first was making the chapters before actually writing anything at all. I needed to do this to separate the events in my life and subjects alike. It also helps me remember what I have to write. I found that this will be a very unbiased book, where followers of Jesus will think little of one chapter but thoroughly agree with the next, and then the people who are hesitant to follow any God that their mind may conceive will be the same, but vice-versa.

The chapters are (order of the chapters are not finalized):

“Be The Change”: Public perception and Christian stereotypes
Living and Purpose: Breathing is not living
Saved, Salvation and Sanctus Spirit: Finding God and God alone
Tradition and religion: Neither helps you through
Name: “I am who I am”
The Unbelievers: Under one roof, under one sky
Preachers: The fist down my throat
The Living Word: Sedated people and lively books
Loving Sins: The battle with alcohol
Homosexuality: Science versus faith/ me versus God
Church: Post-modern ways of shaking the planet
The Devil Copout: The infamously plausible blame game
The Worst Enemy (Myself): Mind, body, heart and soul, and spirit
The Blessing In Pain: The lesson with pens and blood
Ultima Agnosia: Fate, fortune and the divine thought
“A Bee Without Its Stinger”: The revelation of dying and sickness
Faith: Is it a sin to question your answers?

As I said, this tale has no dedication and almost everybody will find it bitter and sweet. If anything, it's here to help me alone. But if there ever is another 'me' out there (cause I know I'm not alone at being alone), this is for them too. Now what is the definition of 'normal'?

Novels, journals, notebooks and the girl at the bookshop.

Well today I spoke to a girl, who reminded me of, well, of me. It was my first lesson of Sunday school (which went well by the way), but prior to the lesson I was told I needed a notebook (which I didn't end up using), I walked into a binder-book store and asked if I could get a simple notebook. The lady who served me was both attractive and articulate, which immediately sent my mind on acid trips. She was doing journalism at university...the same thing I long to do, she has a journal...same as me, she likes to read...like me, she was incredible.

Anyway, passing the unique yet overplayed infatuations of today, I wrote a little in my journal at a Starbucks. I spoke to a man sitting on the street who was selling necklaces (that he made himself), and so I bought one to help him get by the day. I also had an unused notebook for which I had no use for, and still don't. And finally, I bought a book, 'Blue Like Jazz', I've been hunting this book down for a while, the last copy was staring at me inside a Borders store in Melbourne Central.

I've decided to resume my first novel and postpone my second. My first novel is about my personal struggles with life, God, death, religion and touches on depression. It's not a story, more of a theological-type theses, but it is aimed at agnostics and atheists, however, there is no Christian standing point in this book, it has a very 'on the fence' approach.

My second novel is about Audrey, whose mother dies and is forced to live with an uncle who she has never met, and immediately takes pleasure in loathing him before meeting him. This story has a more Christian approach, though the main protagonist is anything but Christian. This focuses on homosexuality, relationships and family.

"Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind." Plato

So much for school.

Urban Xplode

Last night was incredible! I've never seen so many people get saved at once, and it was all thanks to the man upstairs, I recall how intimidating it seemed as I was walking to the altar, and it would be no different for them, but they pushed through and I'd say over 50 had been saved.

There were a lot of lessons learned last night. Honestly I don't feel particularly motivated to type it up here but hopefully they'll remain inside my mind (maybe thats wishful thinking). Today is a big day for all the Christians down in Melbourne, for Youth Alive begins at 2pm! Sadly, I can't make it...I have two birthday parties to go to and I'm doing the 40-hour-famine at the same time.

Sunday is my first day at BOOM Academy, or Sunday school. Very nervous, but maybe it's just anxiety.

Postscript:

Lesson #1: A song describes this one well "sins like skeletons are, so very hard to hide", meaning, bury all your past mistakes, with the aid of Jesus of course.

Lesson #2: When you think you have everything in control, you've probably lost it all.

Lesson #3: Hearts can be broken to teach you how to really love, maybe broken hearts are meant to be (this occurrence is occasional, I can't say that it is always correct, but still valid).

Lesson #4: Don't believe in religion. "God has no religion", Mahatma Gandhi.

Lesson #5: Don't let Christianity become your mask, let it be the expression on your face.

Child-like faith

Apparently, I am heading the right way. To question the answers and answer the questions, and question the answered questions. It's all I seem to do, but each resolution gives me an epiphany of an inner-self, the beginning to a new me. But even at that moment, I still remain lost with more questions that require to be answered. And that's life. This is a piece of Stephen Christians blog, I've been meaning to find Soren Kierkegaard's book 'Training in Christianity' but have just had so much trouble finding it (seeing as it is a very rare book).

i feel that people almost feel that it is a sin to question. we cannot question the government because they have left us in such fear and ignorance that we feel they know better than us. we cannot question those that are above us in stature or status because are more likely to have experienced more and therefore our questions are irrelovent. we cannot question our beliefs or religion because faith requires us to shut up and take it.
all these are inncorect on some level. we can question authority, after all we put them there didn't we? they are the voice of the people. we are those people. we can question our elders and their decisions, we have ideas as well, new ideas, creative ideas, we can expound on they know. yes we can learn from them but we have a lot to teach as well. david (king of the jewish nation) questioned God more than anyone in the bible, even to the point of screaming at Him in anger. yet david was known as a man after Gods own heart.
"and this is the simple truth: that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look around for something to which to cling; and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. all the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.'
-soren kierkegaard
continue to question. everything. everyone. if you don't know the answer don't sit in fear of the answer! explore! embrace being lost, for that is the first step to looking for answers, and upon finding answers (and subsequently more questions) has begun to find himself.
i think this why Jesus Christ was so emphatic about having child like faith. because children have child like questions, child like curiostiy, child like faith & belief. Zen call it the beginners mind, maintaining a state of wonder and awe at the world around them.
"the stone that the builder rejects becomes the foundation for a new temple. the willingness to doubt and question is itself our new sacred ground, the spiritual journey IS NOT about getting somewhere else. its not about progress or destinations. (its about becoming child like in our faith or beginners mind). in our lostness, we have found the seed of a new identity. our being is becoming, our goal is to begin again."
-john bradshaw
i want to reiterate what the previous quote was stating, i don't believe that one can reach enlightenment honestly, nor can one reach the perfection of Christ (as paul says to pursue) but thats just it IT IS NOT about getting somewhere, or the destination, but it IS ABOUT pursuing the answers with all your heart, soul, and body.
-esteban

Another inspiring, once-breathing man

Plato. A Greek philosopher, who has written these incredible quotes, that have transcended from the ages and are still so vivid to human ears.

There are so many to list. But alas, I just wanted to note that he is one of the hundred inspirations that have carved out who I appear to be today.

"The learning and knowledge that we have, is, at the most, but little compared with that of which we are ignorant."

If only I could appreciate the world more, and all if its inhabitants, I could, just possibly understand myself and exactly where Plato's heart lay.

Uncanny. Indescribable. Inspiring.

If I gave up every time I actually said I was going to give up...I wouldn't have written a single blog, or had a girlfriend, or have a relationship with God, or even drop out of school. It's a crazy thought when you think of how you could have gone and how your life could be different. What if didn't hit ****? What if I never went to boom? What if I rejected myspace? What if I decided not to create the AYWF?

Life would be a lot different. But everything seems to go back to influences. My cousin, who is so cool, even today, through my eyes. The most amazing person I know, and now when I look in the mirror, I see her in myself. And a lot of people used to say that, 'you're just like her, you like the same things.'

Life without her would have made me someone different. I wouldn't be into the music I am if it wasn't for her, or I would see life for what it is. I wouldn't read or write. The difference is astounding.

And then there's another certain someone, who I just admire, who I recognized only two years ago. This person believed he could change the world, and led me to believe that I can change the world if I had the right heart. And I throughly believe I do. I'm invincible as long as I'm alive.

Then there are friends. They all have brushed off onto me. They have made me who I am. I love them all. I feel the need to thank all these wonderful people who allowed me into their lives. I've been wanting to write a blog on myspace for everybody to read. A blog about what people really mean to me. Why I care so much for them and how they have affected me and my walk of life.

Uncanny. Indescribable. Inspiring. And so, so much more. If only life on this spinning sphere went longer I could tell you how I really feel.


Postscript: I really like my final line, might use it somewhere again.

~du debut a la fin*

*from beginning to end

People are so worried about the ending, but thats already begun anyway...I'm more fascinated by the beginning. How did it all start?

Beyond self-absorbed

Can it really be true? If you look/feel good then you feel/look good? I bought new clothes today and my self esteem shot through the roof! As berserk as it sounds, it works. Maybe losing a few kilos will make you so much happier with yourself, or even working out to get a solid stomach (which I plan to do one of these days), or getting a new wardrobe, getting a unique haircut or a new piercing. There's a lot we can do to change ourselves physically, but I never anticipated that it would benefit mentally. Guess it does.

Also, before I post this I want to say: YES, the inside always counts. I don't see the point in changing yourself for anyone else other than you! If it makes you happy, then go ahead! So if you don't feel too crash-hot with yourself, maybe go for a change, make something different, step out of the comfort zone and you never know, you may like it, even love it. But please understand, don't do this for anyone else but yourself. We can't live our lives pleasing others. "You must love yourself before you can love anyone else."

Friends, or lack thereof

I suppose I can take the jokes, but being ridiculed is an entirely different situation. My close friends respect the fact that I am a Christian, and then there's others who want to discriminate me for it.

I don't mind if they have different beliefs, but I'd just like a decent level of respect. That's all. I give it to them so I should be able to get some back. It's hard enough to practice Christianity alone, rather than deal with people constantly putting me down for pursuing it.

It hasn't changed me personality-wise, and if it did, I'd expect some form of feedback which is fine. But recently, it's just uncalled for and very below the belt statements that are being thrown at me.

It's great that I'm finding myself on this journey of self-discovery, but I fear that I'll be losing others as the sacrifice.

Photography

Well as I said earlier, I'd like to expand of photography and these are two amazing photos I've taken.

One is the sky with a setting sun. I took it in the car and the tinted windshield gave it that awesome sepia effect.

The second one is water coming out of a showering hose and it just looks fascinating to me.

Oh, Chris, what's going on in your head?

Well, a light hearted post should be fine amongst all these trivial ones. It's 9:09am and by staring around this pigsty...or my room, as others like to call it, I see how much I've really changed. A year ago there was no guitar, video camera, digital camera, Nintendo wii, shoes that are less than $100 (which is something new for me, believe it or not), concert tickets stuck to my pin board, about 6 invites to 6 18ths, a VTAC guide (to pick university courses), a bible (of all things), a journal and a lot of books on discovering Christianity.

I'm doing the 40 hour famine to help children in Laos which is something I also did last year and cannot wait to try it again. I was one of the few who didn't find it overly difficult. I also never anticipated that I'd be going to India for 6 months next year, that is, if I get accepted. But the lady said I'm as good as in. Though India does not suffer from poverty, it has a high rate of homeless and sexually transmitted diseases. So they send me there to assist and create awareness. India still resort to women selling their bodies to fund for their weekly rations, which I think should be completely eradicated.

Digital cameras are a new thing for me. I love taking photos and capturing every moment I possibly can on film. Photography really is a beautiful art and I'd love to expand on it. I also love writing more than ever, and when people compliment that, I'm not sure if they know, but it means the world to me. Honestly, it's probably the only skill I may possess so I don't want it to go to waste.

Oh! Sunday school! What is that! Last year I would laugh hysterically at the thought, and now I'm expanding my knowledge of God. Which is something I think I need...but I'm afraid I've really put my foot in this one, I was never raised to believe in something like this and my knowledge is as dry as they come. Hopefully I can make the most of it and it won't be too confronting. But man, what is going on with my life!

Yes, I still want to do journalism (right after India, of course) and perhaps work for a magazine...that has no relevance to physical beauty, because physical beauty to me is so limited in what beauty there is and it can cause severe effects in teenage lives. The last thing I want to do with my skill is tell people how they should live and how they should look.

Anyway, church, homework, cleaning and probably a lot more is on the agenda for today but before all that I must tend to my growling stomach!

This one's for you (You know who you are).

I've been thinking if I should reply via e-mail or through post. I chose post. Mostly because I would like to keep this post because I can see it is going to be significant to me and one day I would like to read it back, another reason would be that I've been so true on this particular site, so if I threw the problems on here, I might as well throw out the resolve.

Thank you so much for the e-mail, how could I possibly be angry at someone who cares about what I have to say? I'm so unbelievably grateful that we've crossed paths in our God-sent lives and that we've gotten along as great as we have. I thoroughly read your e-mail and do not feel in any way that you are shoving anything down my throat. If there is anything you would like to share then by all means, please share it. I like hearing other peoples thoughts, people don't tell me enough what they think. If you disagree, then disagree, if you agree, then agree. My writings are not persuasive in anyway, they are a point of view, each and every time. So opinions are always welcome and valid here.

So now for clarity. We all have lows and at extreme lows we tend to relentlessly blame people...or God. Which is what I did. I wrote in a poem 'in finding You I lost myself', that meant that I honestly had no knowledge of God and while throwing so much trust into this entity, this Christian-based adventure made my life a complete blur. The black-and-white view of it was that Christianity was a lifestyle that I struggled to uphold and though I could only dream of doing it right, it went from bad to worse.

God has always been there, don't get me wrong, he's been amazing. But sometimes I knew that I couldn't trust myself with something as big as God. This complete change in life was and still remains very daunting to me. Am I really going to commit my whole life to God? Time tells a lot of things, this is one of them.

One thing I learned out of all of this, God allows us to make mistakes, so we can learn. I've made 100 mistakes and learned 100 lessons. So really, I can't regret a thing. Not the crying, the cutting, the reclusion, the fights. Nothing. All but one thing remains resolved...and that one thing is going to take a while...but things have ways of working out. This tragedy was a blessing and a groundbreaking revelation.

"Let go and let God."

This also helped me a lot. A reminder on my msn name so that I would never forget.

Thank you so much for you e-mail, I hope I cleared some of the things (I know I left a lot out), any questions please ask me!

Regards from the constant screw-up who wouldn't want it any other way,
Chris.

"Be the change" in myself.

Incredible news! My life COULD be taking a turn for the better, for the unknown, for a greater cause! So, I've got this job, it's a voluntary job, I don't get paid. I take children's smiles as my paycheck each week, it's throughly rewarding. I teach South African children how to read and write to keep them up to date with their school work. They are amazing people to be around and so inspiring, I love them all.

Now, I received information about another organization that my aunt looked into for me (thanks loads), and apparently the lady was very excited to have me on board. This organization is called SPW, another volunteering job that flies me to third world countries to be around peers and tell them about HIV/ AIDS. Which I think is such an amazing privilege to have. I cannot believe an opportunity came like this so early in my life.

So living with the natives being completely alien to their lifestyles is something I am looking forward to, however, it's not like I'm in the organization yet, so fingers crossed.

Bye Bye Neverland

Neverland. Where children never grow. Sadly, I grew. I've grown. I hate change so much, this unavoidable change that throws dependency and morals right on top of my shoulders. No more traveling in cardboard boxes, or expeditions through dark caves to find cures for vampireitis, no more saving Krystal from the evil doctor Jonathan.

So I hear you're only as old as you feel. Well the culture I live in so influential in it's ways of making me wear things I hate and listening to sounds that force me to retch on the radio, it practically tells me how old I should be. I should be some sort of sex crazed man with baggy jeans and I should feel obliged to spend all my money on jewelry to show how rich and profound I am. But I haven't succumb to the culture yet. I still wear 'old' band tops, and I still listen to my Japanese tracks, and my alternative tracks that apparently have 'no talent'. Well how long have you been listening to synthesized voices over the radio? I don't own baggy jeans and I also have no obsession of flattering women with my riches.

Though I've grown up, at least I'm still me. I could easily write a 1000 word blog on the tarnished culture of today, but that's for another day.

Fasting

So I was told that when I'm reaching desperation, I should fast for God to make his move. Fasting isn't easy at all, but I haven't dismissed the idea of it. They said it didn't have to be food, it just means that you sacrifice something for God to act in your life. And God and I both know, it's gotta be technology.

No plans to do it yet. But I'm not saying that I won't be doing it.

'It opens at the close'

From Harry Potter, of all places, but it fits.

As old problems are solved, new ones arise. More heavy, more depressing, more damaging. But this time I have my head held high. I'm going to tackle these problems right. And awesome friend once said to me 'Happiness isn't in the absence of problems', which made a lot of sense to me. I don't have to be one or the other. Happiness and can be around when there's trouble around. Just move along. Like always.

The alone song

Can someone tell me how I lift from this low?

Happiness lies in places that I’ll never know

Living for something as an image of someone

Can you tell me why I’m turning to you?

And though I know

I’m not alone at being alone

And now I’ve figured it out

In finding you I lost myself

From selfless to helpless

Can I make the most of anything?

Bathrooms, headphones and sharp utilities

Church bells ringing on secular streets

Rushing traffic with rushing heartbeats

The altar alters all the widows and orphans

The preacher preaches for the safety of others

Right now, I stand alone

Amongst the others

But I’m not alone and being alone

Like it's a crime.

How is it so wrong to be wanted? How? Maybe I like the attention I get because it's the only kind I can receive. Maybe I do want to make scenes, so people know that I'm still here. When you want the world to notice you...it turns away. Well I just want to belong somewhere, where people see me as me and love me for it. There are no strings attached, just genuine people. Where do I find them? Why should I feel obliged to do something or say things I don't mean just get the 'thumbs up' from someone who couldn't give a damn about me regardless.

I'm not willing to waste my life thriving to be wanted. But if I knew that was going to happen for the rest of my woeful life, then this world just isn't for me.

When you've had enough

Faith is too hard in a prison like this. I can't do it. I scared myself stupid when I stabbed myself at urban life, and even pacing around in the bathroom (the only place where I'm left alone) with tears tracking down my face is becoming too much for me.

I was saved. Saved meant salvation. Where is it! Where is what I was promised? I was better off without Jesus then with. And I say that with so much regret and sadness. But I still pray, I still cry out for anything, anything at all. I just want a sign. I need direction, anything at all.

This is hurting too much. Though I'd never contemplate suicide, I never thought I'd contemplate damage to my own body. I now find objects in the bathroom that are sharp enough to absorb my anger. My worst enemy is myself.

I can't even open my bible in this house, I can't talk about God. There's no one I can call without being heard. And especially when I'm crying silently like a child, the last thing I want to be is noticed.

I hate Christianity. My friend said "Has church taken over your life?"
Well has it? It has. Bible studies, youth groups, church. No friends. I'm tearing myself away from the crowd...the last thing I wanted to do.

Agnosia: A loss of all senses. This is me. I have no idea anymore.

And another thing. It looks like I'm the only person who struggles with God. Everyone else is so damn confident, no one struggles. At all. Isn't it great? It's apparent that everyones content with themselves and God while I just fail to understand why I have so much trouble praising someone I don't know.

I told him I surrendered myself to him. He can use me as much as he wants. But what use is there? I'm not happy here.

I'm not happy at all.

And what do I choose? God or friends? The answer is obvious isn't it? No, it's not. I grew up with friends, they pick me up when I'm down, they pull me through these times when I'm close to giving up on everything.

In a situation like this...who do I tell?

I can't live in pain, unstable emotions, undefined religions and myself.

"Losing myself, in myself. Inner demons make demands."

This is it. I want to go back to the way I was. I remember being happy then. And for some reason, whenever I look at an older Christian, it doesn't appeal to me at all. I hate the sight. I don't intend to be a Ned Flanders, I don't know if anyone noticed but he wasn't the coolest guy featured on 'The Simpsons'.

I can't do it. I give up. I prayed and prayed, and God has perfect timing I know...but how long am I willing to live in pain. I thought someone died so I didn't have to go through this...

Staggering stupidity to genius

(I) Life is a dream. When we wake up we are dead. Where are we sleeping? Why did we sleep?

(II) Space is like the inside of a soccer ball, whats outside of its shell? What happens when you hit its shell? What happens when you penetrate its shell (deflation/ explosion)?

(III) Space has no ending. Period. Energy has no ending. Life has no ending. Only our bodies are left to rot, like all else that lives. Souls are collected by 'the hand'.

(VI) The earth and all that resides was created by a big bang...where was the force?

(V) Love is not a choice. Anyone who begs to differ the matter should tell that to the gays, lesbians and the oldest couples of the world.

(VI) Maybe earth is purgatory. Maybe we need to find out the purpose of our new lives to proceed? What would happen if we failed?

(VII) Maybe life just happened.

(VIII) We are walking a set path till the second we die, the final second will tell us if that path was worth taking.

(IX) We make choices, there are no hands to hold but we are guided.

(X) Dying feels good after your body releases your soul.

(XI) Dying hurts more than anything you've come across in your life, welcome to your death.

(XII) Death has a materialized form.

(XIII) What was it really like before birth?

Postscript: I really enjoyed brainstorming these. Maybe I don't agree with any of them, maybe some, maybe many. But I like to think of the what ifs.

Sober and stupid

I must say, I am proud of myself. I made a decision not to drink...and I stuck by it. I was told to call or send a message to my youth leader if I was having troubles, but I was more than fine.

When people were saying 'God, Chris! How much have you had!?' it made me feel great. Without alcohol I can do all the things I usually do with alcohol.

And of course, couldn't have done it without You. Thanks.

Universalism

"After long study and experience, I have come to the conclusion that [1] all religions are true; [2] all religions have some error in them; [3] all religions are almost as dear to me as my own Hinduism, in as much as all human beings should be as dear to one as one's own close relatives. My own veneration for other faiths is the same as that for my own faith; therefore no thought of conversion is possible." ~Gandhi

Universalism. We all get saved. Even after death.

I think it's a great idea, but it is a human thought, a human thought blended with wishful thinking. Though I'd love it so much to be true, for universalism to be real, hell must be dismissed. Without hell, there is universalism.

However, if hell was in fact purgatory, universalism is as real as God.

Christians of the world

Last night my revelation was reinforced. "It's good that you have more sinners than saved as friends." That was all I heard, and I did understand, but last nights youth group elaborated on it.

It's not what you don't do as a Christian, it's what you do do. It's not about not drinking, smoking, swearing or lying. It's about being part of the world and doing what you can for other people. "For God so loved the world..." He loves the entire world. The gays, the rapists, the unsaved, the saved, all the same. It would pain God to be separated from the world he loves via sin.

Christians more or less means Christ-like. To set examples, to help the ones who need to be helped.

That's what I learned last night.

As for my revelation, I love all my friends the same, I wouldn't dare trade them for anything, and I even told God, I'll die for my friends if even one wasn't saved by the end of my life. The amazing thing about God is...that he wouldn't let that happen.

This was a major concern for me circa three weeks ago, but realizing that God actually understands that, and that I was saved for the sole purpose of helping the ones I love...seemed sort of oblivious to me until now.

The 13-year-old boy

Today I received a letter I had written to myself from 6 years ago. I was so naive, and funnily enough, I still am. I haven't changed. Six whole years later and I haven't changed. That puts me at ease, to know that through thick and thins, the hates, the loves, the gained, the lost and everything else, I am still the same person.

The letter, which started off as an interesting concept and task, now took the shape of a prophecy. The contents held questions that I could now answer. The letter, from beginning to end, was cluttered with questions. And the resolve came from the author, me. I answered my own questions. The questions which seemed so profound at the time, but now are so utterly simplistic that my new batch of questions regarding life, God and death had easily overpowered them.

Though it was fun and reminiscent, I could not help feeling sad that that particular opportunity is now gone. The worries of high school heart-brakes , friends, enemies are now a thing of the past. Now I'm forced to find jobs, tolerate obnoxious managers, study, study and study.

Life six years ago was indeed different, better or worse, I can't say. But it's one part of my life, I'm now aware, that I'm never getting back. I say I lived it well.

But then, how can this area of my life top the previous? An attempt to outdo myself does sound quite evoking, let's move mountains.

Orphan

I came to me that I've been addressing my father with a title, rather than his name. It only occurred to me when a friend told me. "Imagine you were best friends with someone your whole life and you never knew their name...you just called them your friend, or your mate, or whatever."

She was right. What is God's name?

Ultimate agnosia (This is what I've become)

Why can't I just accept things? I don't understand at all. I thought I understood, thought I overcame this situation, but it still lingers.

Why was I saved? Was it my decision or His to be saved? It doesn't make sense...could I have this all wrong?

And last night. Another bible study. This time I had to literally stab myself to keep under control, I don't know what came over me. But my past kept recurring in my mind and I was close to walking out. Homosexuality, love, relationships, dating. All of these were discussed last night. And all of these were involved in my past.

My thoughts strongly differed from the Christians. They hadn't been in those situations, not even the leaders, and I understand that they are doing their job, that they are trying to help us. But I disagreed with a lot that was said.

I took the pen in my right hand and stabbed the left. 'Don't make a scene!' I told myself. The pen was going deeper. 'No, don't bleed. That would be the worst thing to happen right now.' The pain calmed me down, but I became very concerned for myself.

For the first time I felt like I had to use pain as a relaxant. The pain absorbed my anger. It's such a wrong thing to do. I didn't do it out of loneliness, depression, addiction or obsession, but out of frustration.

From good, to bad, to hell. Here I am.

Clash!

Well there is but another clash in my life. Sinners, friends, saints, friends. Yesterdays church sermon pretty much told me that being involved with Christians is far better than being involved with sinners. I disagree. That's a very self-centered thought and it's only true to the ones who want to be eternally safe as well as saved.

There are still people who crave a touch from God, or even a friendship to get them to their feet once more to approach this thing called life. I LOVE my sinners more so than my saints. It's Him who can help them find salvation (with assistance from me, who God is using).

There is nothing at all wrong with a sinner, it's the sin. So be friends with the sinners, love them, they are people. Discrimination can occur in more ways than race, age, sex and sexual status.

I don't usually intend to write so prejudicially, allowing my belief to get the better of me. But this is how I feel, and I'm real to myself. If I'm seen as a kook then so be it.

Another thing. I understand that the bible rejects the idea of homosexuality. I don't. Again, gays are people, they do have feelings, and their sexual orientation shouldn't affect the ways in which they life. I have gay friends, I respect them and some of them even inspire me. Their stories, their tragedies and heartbreak of being gay...is just trauma to the mind. Nobody should live like that. Nobody.

The dream about the dream

Last night's dream was me talking to my friend ABOUT the dream I had the night before...the dream where I woke up in pain. Hmm, I feel connections somewhere.

Audrey

It's 2:06, no parents to worry about her wear abouts. It was a freezing night, the ends of her fingers were tingling with the sensation of near-frostbite. It was strange to see the main road so sedated. Lacking the busyness, the exhaust fumes and the people, the place seemed more and more like a ghost town each step of the way.

There was no one who could see her, so she allowed her hot tears to track down her face. "God," She mutters as she is walking "how stupid."
She approached a bridge where a dried up creek lay beneath. The coldness of the night solidified into a mist that gently floated between the cavings of the creek. She stopped at the center of the bridge and looked over the side. There was no way to determine where the bottom was. She wiped away her tears and placed her hands in the cold metal railings. She pulled up her leg over the side and sat on the edge of the bridge.

If I fall I fall. The mist, like my life, is clouded and there's no way to know the ending of this story. Just do it. Who the hell would miss me anyway?

At the sound of her thoughts her stomach had twisted. The feeling made her whole body quiver. "Frank." She spoke silently "Frank would miss me."
Her heart, as if it was being squeezed, tightened severely. The strain made her tears flow even more so. "You left me with nothing!" She screamed at the sky "You took everything that mattered to me when you died! A-And your own daughter gets nothing to her fucking name! Nothing but the saint and his hot son!" her voice had broken several times and towards the end of her vent she quivered uncontrollably.
"Just jump." She said to herself. "Jump you idiot, jump!" Her fist began to pound onto the metal rails. The pain seemed to distract her so she repeated the action. She punched the rails over and over. Blood began to seep through her skin, it was hotter than her tears. The pain in her right hand felt surprisingly relieving. The pain slowly absorbed her anger. The pain was the only thing that could keep her under control.

She turn her body back around to the road and slipped her bottom off from the rail. Her feet clodded onto the concrete. As her feet had hit the ground, gravity felt so much heavier. All of her energy was practically gone. All she desired now, was sleep. Looking more drab than ever, she dragged her jelly-like legs down the road, all the way home. Her right hand coated in scarlet.

The dream

There's a girl, I don't know her name, but we're pretty close, I've never seen her in real life before. She is a runaway child, lives her life on the streets. I'm walking with her down a an old road decorated in pot holes. Accompanying us are two friends from church. We're laughing.

We come across a homeless man without a voice, the girl appears to know him. The man is slumping on the side of a fence. Next to him is a sign (this is a fuzzy memory) "We enter God's stomach when we die."
He lifted his t shirt and written in permanent marker was the same thing. Everyone shook their heads showing their understanding. I just stood.

Soon after, we left past the homeless man and sat on the edge of a curb. I get a slap on the shoulder and I turn around. "Yeah?" I ask.
"The devil becomes the Lord." He says as he looks me straight into the eyes so innocently. He begins to laugh as if I had just spoken an ever-so-lighthearted joke.

Postscript: ...What do I make of that? If I have another haunting dream again tonight, I going to fret. I woke this morning with a throbbing arm and pained calf, both on the left side. How did I possibly hurt myself so much in my sleep?

Odd thought.

Today is never coming again. Would I want it to come again? Was it worth living? What would happen if I skipped today? Was today significant for anything that will be revealed in the future?

Guess we'll never know. Maybe this is exactly why we should live out a day as much as we possibly can. Because if we don't we are left unfulfilled. We are the architects of our lives. We make it what it is.

The way, the truth and the life

Last night was incredible. A hundred voices of praise hurdling towards the ceiling and bouncing into all sorts of directions. I believe, words of worship don't have to be loud to be heard, you don't need to raise your arms and pace around the room stamping your feet. However, a love for God, which soon become a hunger for God, would soon grow more and more.

The group leaders kept pushing for the climax, they throughly believed that something had to happen, and so they kept pushing, for what seemed like an hour. However, this hour went incredibly fast. Especially after I was asked by one of the leaders to approach him.

I was expecting a question like 'what's wrong?', so they could understand why I wasn't praising and worshiping as much as I should be (compared to the others). Instead I received "God wants to move in you tonight, please, let me pray for you."
My mood that night had been completely killed prior to when I went to the bible study. I wasn't in the mood to praise or worship, I would be content with knowledge of God's word. The bible is a book that perhaps I should read more often, but I always find ways to distract myself. So I had the mindset to go to the bible study and just learn from the bible since I couldn't do much else there.

But plans had changed. The intensity of the room changed, my thoughts of homework and assessments changed, the mood changed. That feeling. The third time. Slowly my energy was depleting again, making my knees knack and my head throb. My body had vulgar-like reflexes which occurred when my stomach twisted itself. I felt every ounce of blood push out of my heart and through my arteries, the feeling of it became so precise that my fingers began to tingle at their ends. This was all physical. Mentally and spiritually was in an entirely different boat. I felt so safe again, the worries of the world completely died, again. The rush of adrenaline made me feel like I was actually doing something that felt so right.

"Lord!" I speak.
After so long. My tongue was loose and it had spoken. Was I really hungry for God? What made the change? Hands were pressed all over my quivering body. Words, some in English, others in tongue, were filling the room. My voice had started low, then started to grow. These people around me. They didn't know who I had been, what I had done. All that concerned them was that God had intentions to 'move' me. God is love. Love is movement. And here I am. What am I?

My voice grew even louder. As far as I was concerned, it was me and God, and the room was empty. My eye's lulled me to believe that I had left my body behind and gone somewhere that seemed like a supreme sanctuary. "Get rid of the three demons! Please!" My inner-self screamed.
There was no sound, it was those words that erupted into my mind. I opened my eyes. I froze. People still praying. What just happened? Sanctuary was gone. I didn't understand exactly, I just hoped that my prayer was heard. Take the three demons away from her. That's all.

Then people stopped praying and spoke to me in person. People said how amazing I am, how amazing God is. How my intentions are so good and so hopeful and that I would achieve my high set goals. They all expected a reply from me. I was speechless. I was grateful, but I also felt spoon-fed. Perhaps it was an obligation and they honestly felt that God needed me to know, or maybe they said it to make me feel good. I hope it was the first of the two. I doubt that they wouldn't take God seriously anyway regardless.

A great disadvantage to my way of thinking is that I need to look at everything so throughly until I find as much as I'd like. God has no limits, it will take a lifetime to understand the basics of such an entity, maybe that's why I'm so compelled to push further. To seek truth in the world and in Christ. That's all I really want and every time I say that I think of that the verse in the bible clouds my mind and I'm reminded of what Jesus had said "I am the way, the truth and the life."

I am convinced that he is real, therefore I trust his words, for they are real too. There is a lot to swallow...but I'm still hungry. So, so hungry. Feed me the truth, the knowledge, Your presence.

Postscript: We didn't even have time left to study. But I learned so much more that I ever thought I would that night.

Bring on the esteban!

You only live once...why not learn guitar?
I have no idea why, but I have a sudden compulsion to learn how to play a guitar. And if I can throw what I write into the lyrics I sing and penetrate emotion straight out of those guitar strings, then by all means, let's do it!

Although there is a slight problem, my voice. Not the best I've ever heard. But it will suffice for now I suppose. I cannot wait to get a nice, new acoustic and start playing/ learning to my hearts content.

Remeber me for I have lived.

Why do I write? I think it's to understand this life. How much I can possibly see, touch, smell, taste and feel (physically, mentally and spiritually). I'm only going to be here once. So let's chronicle my travels. Let someone read the dramas, misfortune, peaks, plunges of my life. Let them learn from the mistakes that I made, then them live a fuller life than I have, then them take my words and pass them to a friend in need.

I want to die remembered. There is so much I can leave behind, but nothing I can take. But I'm not going to leave houses, riches, countless possessions. I'll leave behind all the hearts I've touched. And those touched hearts with touch others. That's all I want to do.

At the end of the road theres only some cement with my name and date of birth/ death. It's not going to have much else on there. Not all the achievements, good times, bad times. And that piece of cement will weather and crack and rot.

But not the touch in the hearts. The touched hearts live on, forever touching others. I'm making my mark.

I think big. Always have. I don't care for money, I care for happiness. I believe that I can achieve happiness without making money are prime priority. Call me crazy I don't mind. But what is crazy? The fact I see life for what it really is? The fact my mind thinks of things that other minds reject. I don't condone the rejection of thoughts, my brain, I do what I want.

Nothing in this world is forbidden, it's your choice to pursue an action. Whether someone else determines if that is right or wrong is up to them. But only you know why you have pursued that particular action.

All I ask is this: Remember me for I have lived. I was once on this earth, I crawled, I walked, I died. So, between birth and death why not help all the people who are not enjoying life? Why not change the world? Impossible is a stupid word. It does not exist. Just do it. I'm living in the present, so I deal with present problems. When the future arrives, I'll deal with it then. And be you! Why do you want to be anyone else? Each and everyone of us has the power to change the world. It's your choice whether you want to use it. To be extraordinary...or live in routine, forever collecting paychecks. Dare to live. Love to live! It's only happening once.

Science saves life...as does God.

Church last night was amazing, so many people suffocated the isles and altar, it was intense. A guest preacher from America came all the way down to preach, sadly I've forgotten his name but he was very involved and influential, really an amazing man of God.

Soon after, the topic of science began to course from his lips. I always new there was a religion vs. science epidemic but I had never seen it put into practice. I don't see why scientists are such bad people. They are bettering the world...but so is God. So I assumed to conclude that the mindset of the preacher was 'God will do what he wants to me and the world, the scientists are imitating God and therefore are sinful.'

Now that's fine to think that. But I say: thank God for science. God gave us science to save us and the world. Whether we take the credit for it or give it to Him is up to the inventor. But it is something that we need. Science is what is keep people alive, it's what is giving us knowledge of the outsides and insides of the world. Science is something that constantly progresses and evolves into something great.

At 10:49pm

It's irritating how I seem to be in a great mood so often but in the most inappropriate places. It seems my mood must be killed for the benefit of having an argument. I'm not angry writing this, which is actually a shock. Perhaps I've accepted the frequent downpour of hateful words clamoring into my bedroom. The continuous never-ending threats that attempt to stab me right through the heart...but always fails. I suppose if sacrifice is what it takes, then by all means, make it a verb and take my things. I'll sit, think, read, write and pray. It's apparent that these are my fascinations.

I'd rather have a terrible day than a great day that is ruined. It's just getting really disheartening and I just tend to depress myself, suppress my feelings and move on. I hear though that I shouldn't do that. Bottling feelings is wrong, but with all the issues I have, who the heck do I tell?

My biggest problem was a religious one (as much as I hate that word). Can't tell a non-religious person for they wouldn't understand. Didn't want to tell a Christian because I'd get a Christian answer...and to be honest, I was growing tired of the lot. All I wanted was friend- like advice.

Then, family issues. Who do I tell those to? Someone really close, so I spoke to a close friend, lost in conversation and drinking coffee at a nearby cafe. At least, that was my idea. But constant schedule clashes meant that it didn't work out.

Then I just wanted to rant. Who can be with me just to sit and listen and laugh at me screaming at the most bizzare things in my insanely twisted yet favorable life.

And why is my life favorable? I'm hearing this a lot. I think people judge me by the smile I wear...I'm sorry but there are times where it isn't real. I'm not eternally happy.

This isn't an attack, it's just that I wish sometimes that someone would want to get to know me rather than form opinions and compare me to themselves to make better or worse images of themselves. I can't change your life if it's not satisfying you. It's up to you.

I have no idea how many times I've written this but: 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'

It's funny, who I am vs who I've been. There have been two sides of the same mind fighting for different things. It's not easy changing who you are...into someone who you wish you could be. I think I may be relying on time too much.

Was it really You?

Revelations. They come unexpectedly. I can't say I'm sure, but I have a strong feeling I was talking to the holy spirit last night. Ignoring the pastors words I was arguing with the holy spirit in my mind.

I said "I'd rather burn in hell with the ones I love than sit alone in heaven. It's not where I am, it's who I'm with."
"Then you don't understand why you have been saved."
"Was there even a reason? It's something I don't regret but I still don't understand."
"If you want your friends to go to heaven, then take them. You crave change and I have given it to you."
"I don't like change."
"You are the change."
"I keep hearing that God had perfect timing, but how is it perfect? I've almost put this behind me hundred times..."
"I am letting you live...so others can live with you, for eternity."
And then I smiled. I understood.

All in all, I can't say if it was my own thoughts, or the holy spirits but by the end of the conversation that same feeling of being saved doused over me. The shaking knees, the sudden desire to sit down and catch my breath, the sudden urge to praise, to jump, to be naive, to neglect negativities, to be oblivious to the world, to scream out words that I've never even heard before. By the end of it, the revelation was that 'I am the change'. With God's help I can help save the ones I love, to use me to save others. Thats what I believe anyway.

God is love. Love is movement. Movement is change. Change is good.

For keepsake

“God has no religion” Mahatma Gandhi.

I want to remember this quote, it's for keepsake.

Sleep by Anchor and Braille

Gonna know now this song's about you
I wrote these words with you in mind
Anne baby, don't you think you deserve
A little more cause you've been used up
And thrown around like worthless hope
All in all in all again
You've got more damned sinners
Than saints as friends
Your halo's slid and it's choking you

We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight

Four AM, there's someone on your shoulder
They call when it's suddenly cold
You're like an autumn's leaf in winter's wind
Blown away by the sudden lack of friends
When you need someone close
Don't feed me lines of good intentions
I'm the greatest of the least of these

We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight

We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight

We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight


As execrable as some of the lyrics are, this song is just so beautiful and the lyrics have been written so astringently yet so calming. Almost tongue-in-cheek. This song is definitely a comforting dedication, letting someone know that someone understands their crisis, even if that person doesn't know they are facing that crisis at the time. This song is written with love.

Finally...monotony.

I tried to escape it. I lost. I'm glad I lost. My routine changed...and now it has changed back. All these ups and downs are manic. I never thought I'd be glad to face the same thing over and over. Then again, it's a little sad. Sad that all I can handle is what I'm used to. It makes me want to change it all again.

As for today: school, homework, music, chat, food, TV, read a little and then sleep.

Tomorrow I'm back at youth group, should be good, I miss that place. The energy in that place is so strong you can feel your hand brush against it. But it's a good feeling. It scares me how I was close to giving it all up, but that idea had prevailed as of last night. The bible study was something I needed. Something to help open my eyes. 'Inner demons make demands' sometimes and try persuade me that maybe this isn't the place I'm meant to be. But lately the voices have halted and everything is running smoothly, but for how long this time? I shouldn't worry about it anyway. If I look for trouble, I'll surely get trouble. That's what happened last time.

A change

So as word gets around so does God. I think I knew that when I needed him most, so close to giving up but saying that I'll hold on, I am again sheltered by his loving arms.

Tonight I went to a friends house and I learned the 'foundation' of Christianity. Before walking into the house almost everything seemed daunting. The idea of being a Christian was something to fear. This is where I change.

Change. A word I absolutely hate. I have never in my life changed for anybody. Ever. And I pity the people who become who other people want them to be. I'll congratulate you for becoming someone who you never intended to be. Change cannot be avoided, it's inevitable. Things always change. And now, I was about to change.

But changing wasn't for anybody. This is for God.

I wrote a poem the other day describing the walk to the altar, the same altar that changed my world and soon after...changed me. "The altar alters my world, the altar alters all I know."
That night marked my belief in God, Jesus Christ and the holy spirit. However, it did not mark my religious status. This was merely an acknowledgment.

Now, I have accepted Christianity as the life I lead. The lifestyle that has doused over me. Before I only saw restrictions...earthly restrictions. Heavenly thoughts only came afterwards. I suppose the 'heavenly thinking' is what I longed for, and as of tonight, had received. But I do enjoy rambling on about the world I live in. How can't I? It was made to be a wonder.

Following religion religiously

I just can't do it. I'm so very close to giving up my faith and hope in everything. This is the brink. The overflow starts now, whatever happens will pour out and I won't be able to take it anymore of anything. Having Jesus in my life made me so incredibly happy that I began to wonder when the fall would come. Only rising, I got scared. The feeling of Jesus kept me alive...now I feel as if it is keeping me restricted from everything. Where did the good feeling go?

I like church and youth groups and praising God. It's amazing. It's something I do love, but now the feelings outside of those places are slowly lifting. I don't know what to do...I didn't think this would happen.

The night I found God, didnt mean I stopped looking. I went deeper, now I've gone deeper and have been taunted by its complexities. Stephen Christian said "it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."If I never read this quote, perhaps I may have given up. I may have changed my life, or the way I base my life around someone else, for example, a heavenly father. In no way am I willing to give up my life-long journey on discovery. The truth and beauty in me, God and the world.

I first read that quote before thinking about withdrawing myself from something that would mean everything right before I die (kudos to anberlin for great lyrics). I don't know why, but walking home from school, after constantly asking for signs, after asking if I was doing anything right, it was a prayer that needed no answer. Because the answers were around me the whole time. As I was walking the quote randomly arose in my mind, while a song was playing through worn out headphones: "Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart, with quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark."

"Don't drop you arms"- form of praise
"I'll guard your heart"- obviously referring to the trust in God
"With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark"- Theres good times and bad time, and there's a God to pull you through

Just maybe, I was looking at religion the wrong way. And now, I'm looking at the same thing from a different viewpoint. And it's looking better.

As for all the other problems I'm facing...take it as it comes, let the good times roll. Forbidden loves, old lovers, madness of the mind, inspirations and the common teenage runaways are all sounding very interesting right now, and I can barely wait to see how each one turns out. Maybe thats what makes life so interesting, how each time you face something so terrible, that you come out of it looking better than when you went in. Life, wouldn't be life if it didn't have a bad time in my opinion. If there were no bad times, then the everyday phrase "that's life" would have an entirely different delivery. I like to feel anger, bitterness, hatred and confusion because it reminds me how human I really am. That these are the people I could be. An angry person, a bitter person, a hate filled person, a confused person. I could be anyone, and I choose to be who I want to be.

As for right now...all I can really think is 'wow, this'll make a good story one day.'

As for who I am. I can't say. I know who I've been though...and overall I haven't changed all that much. I was never a fan of change so I say I've 'grown' into becoming who I'd like to be. One thing I'll never do is say I'm good or bad. I don't believe in good and bad, in right and wrong.
There are reasons of absolutely everything. I've said this recently in another blog "There is no right or wrong, only difference. There are reasons for everything. There is malice behind actions, there is always history before an event."

And finally again, the quote.
"it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."
Let's keep looking.

Sign up! Where will you go when you die?

This is pissing me off. Okay I go to church, a youth group and even bible study a few times, but is it all done in vein? Recently, Ive discovered the very fine line that separates the 'word of God' and 'believing in God'.

I'm sorry but I'm just having trouble believing in his supposed 'word', although I have NO trouble believing in God himself. And I guess what throws me off is that I look at Christians on the TV and they preach their hearts out, beating the devil down, blaming the devil for absolutely everything!

well guess what! your wrong. it isnt always a devil. it isnt always God. There is YOU. I am the architect to my own success and dismay. there is no devil. not here. i accept responsibility for ALL of my actions. I accept consequence. Why cant Christians just say 'NO, it wasnt the devil. it was ME!'

and i understand that im not at liberty to speak badly on something i know so little about, but apparently am part of, which makes no sense to me. but i just cant keep it in anymore. christians make me sick. i believe in God and to say the dead honest truth, i havent read much of his word and its hard to believe that this IS his word passed down from 2000 years ago.

look, shakespears plays are changing...whether you want to admit it or not, so will the bible. the meanings will be twisted and manipulated.

i dont know what to believe anymore, i do believe in Jesus Christ, and the bible is looking very erratic right now. i dont know why i feel this way.

i dont want to withdraw myself from all christian activities, i enjoy my church, my youth group and all the in-betweens. but honestly...is this what i believe in?

im on this journey of self discovery, im trying to find truth in the world and beyond and now theres God. God suddenly appears in my life...but what are you trying to tell me?

Fascination with death

I've noticed something about myself. I tend to ask questions that have answers that lead to more questions. And I like it that way. I'm at this stage where I'm just hungry for knowledge, to know as much as I possibly can before I die. But recently it's my fascination with death that I have been fixed to.

My former mindset used to stand as: 'No point in learning anything because we are all going to die anyway.' This was before a touch from God. Whatever your set beliefs are, we must accept death. Death is part of life and life is only temporary. It's nothing to be feared.

I've noticed I am now purchasing books relating to death such as Veronika Decides to Die and Tuesdays With Morrie (both very inspirational novels). While one is about suicide, the other is about grasping every possible moment in your life. Neither of them are wrong on the ways in which they accept death.

If anything, I've learned that death is a significantly beautiful thing. It makes sure that we cannot take life for granted because it escapes us. If we embrace life and live in serenity, do everything we possibly can, have the best times of being alive, then we can also embrace death.

The only disagreement I have with death is that it can snatch people away from us at very inappropriate times. A lot of us won't live to die old, and the good die young. But again, part of life.

I've also been thinking a lot about euthanasia. We do have a right to live, so do we then possess the right to die? Whose to say "You've suffered enough in life, you may die if you choose" or "No you still have time to pull yourself through."?

Emotional and physical trauma can cause emotional and physical damage that someone may not want to live with. It actually is possible for someone to be content with dying, be happy that they are leaving the world because at the end of the day, it just isn't for them. Can you really tell someone otherwise?