And so it is...(hallelujah)

Okay, so this is my final post here. Time to wrap it all up. This was a very Chrisitan based blog site. It has shaped who I am and this site will be here for safe-keeping I suppose. I feel that it deserves a nice ending, so here goes.

I believe You are out there. Is Jesus Lord? I'm not sure. But faith will grow as I grow old. There are many people praying many things but I believe it is being heard by the same entity. We are all safe. We are under the same sun. I believe that if we are conscious of what is good from the heart (not a moral right, but a feeling of something deserving), then we will be rewarded for being conscious of this. The world and you are separated by wonder. Wonder of what everything is, where everything came from and where it goes. I believe the Bible is a set of stories and not exactly a series of events. I am still skeptical by something written by human hands, no matter how 'holy' they are. But none of this matters. The point is, I do believe. It is better to lean on something...than fall for anything.

I don't know all the answers, but I'm happy embracing these questions that have everything to do with nothing I need to know. But I want to.

So my new blog site is: http://blocinmotion.livejournal.com
This is a new chapter of the same life.

I'm staring at my journal

Been two months since I've posted here, I'm thinking of starting a live journal. Something new for the new year. Right now I'm staring at my journal which I also has neglected for about a week now. The only thing this shows me is my utter laziness to do anything. Such a lazy generation we are.

So changes. Christianity? I've taken up a spirituality of a different kind. I believe in a God. I do not believe in the devil. But I do believe Jesus walked the earth. I do not think he is related to God. I believe that growth spiritualy is part of life and death. I don't belive in sin, I believe in choice. I dont believe in rights and wrongs, I believe in difference. So what does that all mean? I believe I am agnostic. I believe there is something more, but to understand what it is so early in my life would be a shame.

Sexuality? To and fro with this battle of who I like. And now I have ceaced to care. Yes, I have had the best of both worlds and both those worlds are just great places to be. Right now my heart lies vacant and free. I'm happy that way. It is free roaming and who it is crushed by. No matter who they are, I can not help but love that person. That's all there is to it. The easiest way to deal is without restrictions. So male, female, it never really mattered did it?


Future? Well turns out, by sheer luck and the recount of my lucky stars, I am heading to university. Which, by the way, is like nothing I expected it to me. it's more than that.

I'll make another web-journal and write more another time. MSN is being demanding right now and I don't like to make my friends wait because I hate it when they do that to me.

Oh, I am now a mac user. Yay for me.

This life...

The situations, the unbearable feelings that cause a near-explosion in my chest, the memories, the past week! It has been nothing but one big roller coaster ride.

Sometimes we just thing 'this could only happen to me'. And I like that. I like living this uncanny life that could not possibly be imitated because of its dangerousness, stupidity and youthful enthusiasm.

I was going to go to a very exclusive club but I had nobody to go with, I was upset the whole night, I had this feeling in my gut that this club was going to be good. I felt the vibes from miles away and all night long I ached to be there. That same night my mother went out with a friend...to that club. When she got home it was safe to say I was completely baffled not at the fact that she went to that club...but the fact that she went on 'indie night' to that club!

The next day I thought I'd listen to some old songs, some I never really cared about. This song played, and somehow every other time it floated around in the air I would push the skip button, but this time it held meaning. It was about life without someone you use to live with. Life goes on. That was the message. Life just goes on. So as I heard this I thought maybe it's time to live a little for myself for once. Do the things that I always dreamed of doing.

That day, I traveled suburbs away to an asian grocer, the contrast between a very western 'me' and the lovely oriental shoppers was painfully evident. It was even comical, I had to laugh at myself simply because I was standing in the exact spot on the world I didn't feel comfortable standing on. A man approached me with a box filled with something magical. Fireworks. So many beautiful explosions. I helped myself to a heap and went shopping to a nearby shopping center. Here, was also fun. We bought toy machine guns. Why? Who knows. They were intrusive, they were childish and they were made in China, that's all that mattered.

Between this time and home time I purchased some t shirts, a wallet, some other things and eventually ventured off home to escape the rest of the hot day. Home is good when you are alone. Loud music at home while being alone is twice as good. So is air guitar.

Now we are living in the night time. Slightly intoxicated, a bag full of fireworks and my toy machine gun my friend and I ran out of the house and out to the tram stop. Nearly every car that went by probably saw us as something more than stupid. But that was ok with me. Didn't they know that doing what you liked made you happy? Didn't they know that there is no age group for rebellion, for fun, for a good time? That night was about break the routine. And we broke it alright. We set off the wonderful fireworks, we drank the alcohol, I bought a burrito and continued my awesome night at one of my favorite clubs. Eventually i did burn out. But that was expected. I woke up the next day at 4 p.m.

Tear off your skin

I finally let it all out. All of it. I said everything I felt, everything I did and didn't want to say was said. I feel great. It's as if I tore open a giant cavity between my chest and let every dark secret out. It was worth it. This is the result of keeping things in. It's one thing to be nice and its another to say the truth. Don't hold it in next time.

Only listen if you actually hear what I'm trying to say!!

Why can't you read between the lines! Why does a love hurt? Why am I the only one being hurt, the only one giving. Relationships take two people...and I'm carrying the burden of both. I hate it. I hate this whole thing, the worst part about it is that I love you so much. I keep dropping these hints that you will never pick up, and you will NEVER know how much frustration you have caused me to have. Why do I have to step out of my comfort-zone each and every time!? I feel so damn vulnerable and all I see is you sitting there safely refusing to come out. One simple decision to bring you into my life and it has caused me months of confusion. Step out, PLEASE, for me. Do something, ANYTHING for me. You haven't the faintest idea what I'd do for you...and knowing that hurts me so much inside. Why can't you see that my heart is at my hands. My fragility is deceptive but it's existent. The definition of a crush means that it's going to hurt. I read that on the side of building and I agreed. I still agree. Crush is the most perfect word to use in a situation like this. Is attraction forever? I don't think love and attraction entwine...but they co-exist with each other. I can't tell if this is attraction or love. But I know that you mean something to me. I know that it will hurt to see July next year. But I want to be there, and I want to chase a dream. "Dreams are called dreams...because they don't come true." Is that true? What about visions? Hopes? Fears and choices? I chose this path...for you. I was scared but hopeful. Take my hand. At least have the courage to say how you really feel, say what you really want. Don't misguide me! Is there a connection between me and you? Is there progression? Is there truth? Is there an outcome? Is this a game we play? Is there at all another way to do this? How else am I meant to cope? It's so hard for me, personally, to make the first move...but I did it for you! I made a move for you! And all my honesty did was cause me confusion. I'll admit this is an unusual relationship. I'm so scared, and so are you. But at least try. I want to be with you. I don't know why, I don't care how it works. I'm living in this moment and I want this moment with you. My friend said memories will be manipulated if you hold onto them long enough, but what we feel in our hearts is completely real. The feeling cannot be changed. I feel you. I swear there is a feeling that you give me that can't compare to anybody else. Is this bad timing? Maybe that was my fault. Blame the situation we're in. I was wrong. Blame it on commitments and the excuses we both made, they only separated us. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing will EVER last. But thats the beauty in it. We can appreciate what we have if we know it will one day escape us. Be spontaneous. Be different. Face risks and uncertainty. Oh, how I want to spend this sleepless night with you. Try to understand how I feel. Try. Say how you feel. What rests on your heart right now? There is more to living than just being alive. There's more than just breathing and repeating the same damn actions. There is a reason for a love. There is a lesson to be learned. A tragedy to be faced. There is history to both of us and a future involving us. There is a reason.

You just won't leave me alone

It was better when I knew nothing. But now that I know something, it's always hard to ignore.

Looking back/forward

I think I was looking so forward to the end of school that I didn't actually realize that someone else had to start. And now I'm back to being nervous, back to being isolated but it's no longer me and a schoolyard, it's me and the world. Next year I have a whole world to face. I'm actually scared. This is the transition where we lose our childish ties and attach ourselves to more mature and aged bonds. But I don't want to sever these ties. I want to have youthful enthusiasm through all my days.

The other day I realized, I'll always be a sinner before I'm a Christian. I'll make the mistake before I learn the lesson. But don't get me wrong, life's more complicated than that. It's much more complicated.

Tell an addict to stop taking heroin and if they immediately obey, I'll reconsider what I've said.