When you've had enough

Faith is too hard in a prison like this. I can't do it. I scared myself stupid when I stabbed myself at urban life, and even pacing around in the bathroom (the only place where I'm left alone) with tears tracking down my face is becoming too much for me.

I was saved. Saved meant salvation. Where is it! Where is what I was promised? I was better off without Jesus then with. And I say that with so much regret and sadness. But I still pray, I still cry out for anything, anything at all. I just want a sign. I need direction, anything at all.

This is hurting too much. Though I'd never contemplate suicide, I never thought I'd contemplate damage to my own body. I now find objects in the bathroom that are sharp enough to absorb my anger. My worst enemy is myself.

I can't even open my bible in this house, I can't talk about God. There's no one I can call without being heard. And especially when I'm crying silently like a child, the last thing I want to be is noticed.

I hate Christianity. My friend said "Has church taken over your life?"
Well has it? It has. Bible studies, youth groups, church. No friends. I'm tearing myself away from the crowd...the last thing I wanted to do.

Agnosia: A loss of all senses. This is me. I have no idea anymore.

And another thing. It looks like I'm the only person who struggles with God. Everyone else is so damn confident, no one struggles. At all. Isn't it great? It's apparent that everyones content with themselves and God while I just fail to understand why I have so much trouble praising someone I don't know.

I told him I surrendered myself to him. He can use me as much as he wants. But what use is there? I'm not happy here.

I'm not happy at all.

And what do I choose? God or friends? The answer is obvious isn't it? No, it's not. I grew up with friends, they pick me up when I'm down, they pull me through these times when I'm close to giving up on everything.

In a situation like this...who do I tell?

I can't live in pain, unstable emotions, undefined religions and myself.

"Losing myself, in myself. Inner demons make demands."

This is it. I want to go back to the way I was. I remember being happy then. And for some reason, whenever I look at an older Christian, it doesn't appeal to me at all. I hate the sight. I don't intend to be a Ned Flanders, I don't know if anyone noticed but he wasn't the coolest guy featured on 'The Simpsons'.

I can't do it. I give up. I prayed and prayed, and God has perfect timing I know...but how long am I willing to live in pain. I thought someone died so I didn't have to go through this...