Following religion religiously

I just can't do it. I'm so very close to giving up my faith and hope in everything. This is the brink. The overflow starts now, whatever happens will pour out and I won't be able to take it anymore of anything. Having Jesus in my life made me so incredibly happy that I began to wonder when the fall would come. Only rising, I got scared. The feeling of Jesus kept me alive...now I feel as if it is keeping me restricted from everything. Where did the good feeling go?

I like church and youth groups and praising God. It's amazing. It's something I do love, but now the feelings outside of those places are slowly lifting. I don't know what to do...I didn't think this would happen.

The night I found God, didnt mean I stopped looking. I went deeper, now I've gone deeper and have been taunted by its complexities. Stephen Christian said "it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."If I never read this quote, perhaps I may have given up. I may have changed my life, or the way I base my life around someone else, for example, a heavenly father. In no way am I willing to give up my life-long journey on discovery. The truth and beauty in me, God and the world.

I first read that quote before thinking about withdrawing myself from something that would mean everything right before I die (kudos to anberlin for great lyrics). I don't know why, but walking home from school, after constantly asking for signs, after asking if I was doing anything right, it was a prayer that needed no answer. Because the answers were around me the whole time. As I was walking the quote randomly arose in my mind, while a song was playing through worn out headphones: "Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart, with quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark."

"Don't drop you arms"- form of praise
"I'll guard your heart"- obviously referring to the trust in God
"With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark"- Theres good times and bad time, and there's a God to pull you through

Just maybe, I was looking at religion the wrong way. And now, I'm looking at the same thing from a different viewpoint. And it's looking better.

As for all the other problems I'm facing...take it as it comes, let the good times roll. Forbidden loves, old lovers, madness of the mind, inspirations and the common teenage runaways are all sounding very interesting right now, and I can barely wait to see how each one turns out. Maybe thats what makes life so interesting, how each time you face something so terrible, that you come out of it looking better than when you went in. Life, wouldn't be life if it didn't have a bad time in my opinion. If there were no bad times, then the everyday phrase "that's life" would have an entirely different delivery. I like to feel anger, bitterness, hatred and confusion because it reminds me how human I really am. That these are the people I could be. An angry person, a bitter person, a hate filled person, a confused person. I could be anyone, and I choose to be who I want to be.

As for right now...all I can really think is 'wow, this'll make a good story one day.'

As for who I am. I can't say. I know who I've been though...and overall I haven't changed all that much. I was never a fan of change so I say I've 'grown' into becoming who I'd like to be. One thing I'll never do is say I'm good or bad. I don't believe in good and bad, in right and wrong.
There are reasons of absolutely everything. I've said this recently in another blog "There is no right or wrong, only difference. There are reasons for everything. There is malice behind actions, there is always history before an event."

And finally again, the quote.
"it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."
Let's keep looking.