The lazee and the lazer are one in the same

Well I brought this carelessness upon myself. This site is on hiatus, I'm going to go full throttle on the AYWF. In place of this site will be my journal. I need to write in my journal. I was fearing the perception of my family and their opinions of me writing in a journal. As for now, I don't particularly care. I need books on philosophy. I'm going to be honest, as this is my last post on here for a long time I just want to get these feelings out. I am not a child. I am not Christ-like. In fact, I'm having trouble spiritually. Not with God, not with Jesus, but the devil. The idea of a devil seems moronic to me...maybe because the concept of hell is beyond my understanding of a loving God. Could it be that God made no mistakes? Could it be that God made it so we made mistakes, so we would fall to temptations by the devil? Is that how he would find loyalty in us? Loyalty in me? And what of existence? Why did we need to exist to be loyal, to not succumb to temptations, to love God? The Neon-Genesis-Evangelion-Theory is something that captured my interest, though I know it's not real. I just want to imagine its beauty. The beauty of coexisting with death. Living and not living. Something and nothing.