Neglect

Looks like I've neglected this page for a little while. Not sure if I'll pick up on it. I sometimes feel that I should write in my actual journal instead of here. The only real reason why this site exists is because it is so much easier and quicker to access than my journal.

Past problems

They somehow come back...and I miss dealing with them. This is an issue that I want. Now, do I kill it? Do I embrace it? Going against my beliefs for a temptation. It's definitely wrong. But my heart does not have qualities like a brain. It does not think, it merely wants. It demands.

As it is.

Let's make it public. Let's not hide it anymore. Lyrics, endless lyrics that tell the stories of my life. It's funny how they do that. "We're not questioning God, just those He chose to carry on his cross. We're no better you'll see, just all of us the lost causes."

From the top. Christianity. Almost as confusing as God. I'm at a loss when I can't think of how to put something into words, words are my weapon and defense for everything I would encounter in life. How come I'm put into these positions?

It's funny how God made me. I didn't ask to be born, I had no choice in the matter of my birth, so I made it my sole duty to ensure I would be the inventor of my own God given life. Maybe I resented God because he was smarter than me. Because he could tease me. Show me something I originally couldn't see.

I never liked the idea of living for someone else when I had my own life to handle, what did it really mean to be free? "Freedom in the name of Jesus." Those words were carefully placed into a song and what did they actually mean? I still don't completely understand. I might be a believer in Christ but I'm far from a Christian. People seem to confuse the two. "Even the devil believes in God" they say.

It's always been "God hates me, God's wants me to die." People consider the existence of a God but not the devil. Christians always say "Satan hates me, Satan wants me to die." I like to think that sometimes even I can be my own demon because the real Satan shouldn't have been created by an all-knowing God or maybe should already have been destroyed if God had allowed his existence. It would be my own free will that takes me to forbidden places. If I was never meant to feel hurt...then why am I capable of it? God made me so that I could hurt. The devil doesn't hold the power to my creation or to my capabilities. But he does what he can to make sure I turn my back to God.

I once stood on the third level inside the church and I was staring over the rails. I began to think what would happen if I died right then. If I jumped off from the rails believing I could fly. And then this voice came to me "Calm down, Chris, you're not an angel yet." Let's say I jumped, is it suicide or faith? It was a good concept to dwell on during the service. Truth be told, 8 out of 10 services I drift off and get lost in my wonder of God. I think of life and death. But mostly it was the moment before death that always seemed to worry me. I so desperately want to skip through my own life story to see how it ends. A lot of things I started, I didn't finish, was God one of those things? That person who I didn't form too strong of a relationship with?

Jesus is a person. Why can't I love God like a person? Why are all of those praise songs about his power and not his love? Am I meant to feel worthless when I compare myself to You? There is no free will in the Christian world. I don't care what anyone says. It doesn't exist. God gave us 'free will'. If God gave us free will then God Himself has a sense of humor. What a joke. This is Christian free will: two choices, follow God and go to heaven or refuse and go to hell. Does anyone see the ever slight unfairness of free will here?

And what's with hell? A loving God won't send His children to hell. I believe that. I believe we enter nothingness (like the Buddhists say), until our souls reflect from the heavens forced to drift across the universe and are eventually captured by the devil and brought to hell. Where's the savior then? Eternity is a long time. It's longer than my entire life. In fact I'd relive my entire life in the torment of hell.

Then there's heaven. Heaven doesn't sound too appealing to me right now. None of my friends will be there and white really is such a bland color. I think of mental institutions when I think of the color white. Just white. Virgin white. I wonder if any celebrities are in heaven. I wonder if they get hassled only hoping they could get away from all the other paparazzi angels. Do man made things go to heaven? Like TV and Nintendo's? I doubt it, no power points.

I never understood why people were Anti-Christ, or anti-anything for that matter. Why can't we be FOR something instead of AGAINST? Instead of an Anti-Christ, they could be a Pro- Atheist. That way we all stand entitled to our beliefs. We don't fight. We respect. I suppose our pride gets in the way when we try to settle differences.

This is only a small piece of my mind. There is so much more I could write down and blabber, but time isn't on my side.

Crossroads

I'm reckless. Doing journalism for a career is reckless beyond sanity. Money never held much value for me but I understand it's an essential. I hate that. Money drives people to become big headed and reckless even more so. All I want to do is write and travel. That's all. I can put complete trust in God, but I'd appreciate if he let me know where I was heading, what His plans are for me.

Oh, to the hand that shaped the world, who bled with blood and water just to reunite with the ones You love. I ask but one favor, grant me the blessing of direction and certainty.

God is...

...a feeling sometimes. Sometimes all you are is spirit. All your thoughts are God-sent and everything you live for is Christ-like. That feeling makes me feel good. Last night there was an incredible fire in my chest that illuminated every nook and cranny. There's always a light there, but this light last night was the inferno of God's love entwined with passion. The feeling that nothing can go wrong is a feeling I don't want to last forever, but it's something we all need. Through everything I've been through, He's picked me up.

Be the change. Live with purpose and passion. Thrive to be who you want to be.