At 10:49pm

It's irritating how I seem to be in a great mood so often but in the most inappropriate places. It seems my mood must be killed for the benefit of having an argument. I'm not angry writing this, which is actually a shock. Perhaps I've accepted the frequent downpour of hateful words clamoring into my bedroom. The continuous never-ending threats that attempt to stab me right through the heart...but always fails. I suppose if sacrifice is what it takes, then by all means, make it a verb and take my things. I'll sit, think, read, write and pray. It's apparent that these are my fascinations.

I'd rather have a terrible day than a great day that is ruined. It's just getting really disheartening and I just tend to depress myself, suppress my feelings and move on. I hear though that I shouldn't do that. Bottling feelings is wrong, but with all the issues I have, who the heck do I tell?

My biggest problem was a religious one (as much as I hate that word). Can't tell a non-religious person for they wouldn't understand. Didn't want to tell a Christian because I'd get a Christian answer...and to be honest, I was growing tired of the lot. All I wanted was friend- like advice.

Then, family issues. Who do I tell those to? Someone really close, so I spoke to a close friend, lost in conversation and drinking coffee at a nearby cafe. At least, that was my idea. But constant schedule clashes meant that it didn't work out.

Then I just wanted to rant. Who can be with me just to sit and listen and laugh at me screaming at the most bizzare things in my insanely twisted yet favorable life.

And why is my life favorable? I'm hearing this a lot. I think people judge me by the smile I wear...I'm sorry but there are times where it isn't real. I'm not eternally happy.

This isn't an attack, it's just that I wish sometimes that someone would want to get to know me rather than form opinions and compare me to themselves to make better or worse images of themselves. I can't change your life if it's not satisfying you. It's up to you.

I have no idea how many times I've written this but: 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'

It's funny, who I am vs who I've been. There have been two sides of the same mind fighting for different things. It's not easy changing who you are...into someone who you wish you could be. I think I may be relying on time too much.