Life is most unfair.
It hurts.
Knowledge is a weapon.
Contradicting your heart.
Always there.
Always doing nothing.
The world.
The stripped beauty.
Isolation.
Depression.
Past.
Death.
Trauma.
Trust.
Abuse.
Bashed.
Mental.
Broken.
Never mended.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Not-Shovel
"Can you see that I am not holding a shovel?"
"Yes."
"Then dig a hole with it."
Buddhists believe that somethingness and nothingness co-exist with each other. The example that I just used is proof that nothing exists where something does. The person holding the not-shovel can dig a not-hole with it, but nothing would be there because something has already vacated that area. However, though somethingness is in that area, nothingness is aswell in a separate void.
Amendment: Alright, I want to go further. So when I talk about a shovel not being existent, how is it that my partner has dug a hole with it? This is the buddhist belief that there is another void, the void we enter when we die, to cease to exist in reality, but only spirituality, in a void that is timeless and spaceless, we exist, by not taking the form of any real thing (material).
Confusing much? I love thinking about things like this. It's a giant circle that I just keep running around. It's like trying to explain God. It's impossible. Like the ants on the ground make no sense of humans, we are simply just there. We are big things that move and crush and peer through burning giant round glasses in the sun. We can't see a whole image of God, we aren't capable of conceiving the knowledge of who God really is. But He loves us just the way we are. And we love Him and stand in wonder of such a powerful name.
"Yes."
"Then dig a hole with it."
Buddhists believe that somethingness and nothingness co-exist with each other. The example that I just used is proof that nothing exists where something does. The person holding the not-shovel can dig a not-hole with it, but nothing would be there because something has already vacated that area. However, though somethingness is in that area, nothingness is aswell in a separate void.
Amendment: Alright, I want to go further. So when I talk about a shovel not being existent, how is it that my partner has dug a hole with it? This is the buddhist belief that there is another void, the void we enter when we die, to cease to exist in reality, but only spirituality, in a void that is timeless and spaceless, we exist, by not taking the form of any real thing (material).
Confusing much? I love thinking about things like this. It's a giant circle that I just keep running around. It's like trying to explain God. It's impossible. Like the ants on the ground make no sense of humans, we are simply just there. We are big things that move and crush and peer through burning giant round glasses in the sun. We can't see a whole image of God, we aren't capable of conceiving the knowledge of who God really is. But He loves us just the way we are. And we love Him and stand in wonder of such a powerful name.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Religion: Church of Scientology
Curiosity killed the cat, but thankfully my faith kept intact. I wanted an understanding of this certain faith. The church of Scientology. No God, no scriptures. Only the mind, body and spirit (but there is another name used for spirit to enforce a less 'spiritual' delivery, thetan). Followers of Scientology actually measure their stress levels via some recent form of technology that can tell your specific state of mind.
One thing that had slightly upset me while I was there was the logo. A cross with a star behind it. I fail to see how a cross can be incorporated into such a faith when there is no Jesus hanging by nails onto it. As a Christian, we use the cross to describe our separation from God through sin. Scientology uses a triangle. Each corner represents something: affinity (emotional responses), reality (an agreement on what is real) and communication (the exchange of ideas).
A lot of people might think 'well what is a religion like this trying to achieve?' Happiness in eternity and infinite existence. That is the point. Scientology encourages people to live their lives as peacefully as possible and stress the fact to keep the human species alive for eternity.
Followers of Scientology believe that humans are the architects of themselves, each other, the world, the universe and the overall existence of everything that can be reached by the human eye.
For me personally, I felt sorry for what these followers were up against. In no way will I critique a faith that someone would feel so passionate about. I expect that these people would be persecuted against almost daily for their humble beliefs. I do empathize for the people, they knew of my faith and they still welcomed me with open arms which was more than greatly appreciated.
As I entered the church, it didn't seem like a church at all, or at least a church that I was accustomed to. My typical church usually consisted of windows with pictures on the stained glass reviewing historically traumatic events, gospel music, rows of seats and an altar. This church had attained none of these. Instead it took the appearance of a library/ office. There were desks with computers and aligned to the walls were a sea of books. I assumed that this particular religion had its strength in knowledge. By the appearance alone I could see the word 'church' was gimmicked into the belief that all religions should be housed in some sort of temple or church or sacred place.
It's a pity that so much controversy is dedicated to the lifestyles that people choose, but we make it so. We seem to complain about other people far easier than ourselves. A person has a humble opinion of themselves and only carry their friends around to reinforce that judgment. Then we manipulate our own culture to believe that our own decisions are the righteous ones. Maybe that's why I chose to follow God. Because he laid down the lines. There a massive book that tells us who we are.
Overall, my trip to the Church of Scientology was fairly interesting, but my 'thetan' has a completely different feeling when I enter a church that belongs to God. I'm not going to write paragraphs of biased views, take this as an informative. I'm a Pacifist-Altruist-Christian...or a PACman. Thought of that myself.
One thing that had slightly upset me while I was there was the logo. A cross with a star behind it. I fail to see how a cross can be incorporated into such a faith when there is no Jesus hanging by nails onto it. As a Christian, we use the cross to describe our separation from God through sin. Scientology uses a triangle. Each corner represents something: affinity (emotional responses), reality (an agreement on what is real) and communication (the exchange of ideas).
A lot of people might think 'well what is a religion like this trying to achieve?' Happiness in eternity and infinite existence. That is the point. Scientology encourages people to live their lives as peacefully as possible and stress the fact to keep the human species alive for eternity.
Followers of Scientology believe that humans are the architects of themselves, each other, the world, the universe and the overall existence of everything that can be reached by the human eye.
For me personally, I felt sorry for what these followers were up against. In no way will I critique a faith that someone would feel so passionate about. I expect that these people would be persecuted against almost daily for their humble beliefs. I do empathize for the people, they knew of my faith and they still welcomed me with open arms which was more than greatly appreciated.
As I entered the church, it didn't seem like a church at all, or at least a church that I was accustomed to. My typical church usually consisted of windows with pictures on the stained glass reviewing historically traumatic events, gospel music, rows of seats and an altar. This church had attained none of these. Instead it took the appearance of a library/ office. There were desks with computers and aligned to the walls were a sea of books. I assumed that this particular religion had its strength in knowledge. By the appearance alone I could see the word 'church' was gimmicked into the belief that all religions should be housed in some sort of temple or church or sacred place.
It's a pity that so much controversy is dedicated to the lifestyles that people choose, but we make it so. We seem to complain about other people far easier than ourselves. A person has a humble opinion of themselves and only carry their friends around to reinforce that judgment. Then we manipulate our own culture to believe that our own decisions are the righteous ones. Maybe that's why I chose to follow God. Because he laid down the lines. There a massive book that tells us who we are.
Overall, my trip to the Church of Scientology was fairly interesting, but my 'thetan' has a completely different feeling when I enter a church that belongs to God. I'm not going to write paragraphs of biased views, take this as an informative. I'm a Pacifist-Altruist-Christian...or a PACman. Thought of that myself.
A brand spanking new fear!
Well I was thinking today, I LOVE the fact that the bible gives me both answers and questions.
If I ever was to reach a final question, I would never know what would become of me. No, I don't 'shut up and take it' like other faithful followers may, but my faith is found in truth, the word is truth and my indecisions only get me closer that resolve.
So may many more questions come from my answers and may God's true words remain forever true!
If I ever was to reach a final question, I would never know what would become of me. No, I don't 'shut up and take it' like other faithful followers may, but my faith is found in truth, the word is truth and my indecisions only get me closer that resolve.
So may many more questions come from my answers and may God's true words remain forever true!
Friday, August 24, 2007
"You're escaping your problems"
I was in this terrible mood all night, and I kept asking God what was going on and why I suddenly felt so upset. Nothing was wrong with me, it was as if there was in indirect sadness from another person, and it had transcended to me through God himself. I know I felt His presence the whole time I was upset, the feeling is unmistakable.
During worship I spoke to Him. He said squarely 'You're escaping your problems.'
I constantly asked Him to fill me. 'You're filled with my spirit. You have yet to practice with it.'
At that very moment the downcast mood was lifted and I felt pretty idiotic. My connection with God is better than ever, the problem was that I was scared to use the power I possessed because of my own conscious selfishness.
The whole 'what will people think of me?' came to pass. The fact of the matter is, I'm a follower of Jesus Christ himself and that is the path I've chosen. So now I live as he did.
During worship I spoke to Him. He said squarely 'You're escaping your problems.'
I constantly asked Him to fill me. 'You're filled with my spirit. You have yet to practice with it.'
At that very moment the downcast mood was lifted and I felt pretty idiotic. My connection with God is better than ever, the problem was that I was scared to use the power I possessed because of my own conscious selfishness.
The whole 'what will people think of me?' came to pass. The fact of the matter is, I'm a follower of Jesus Christ himself and that is the path I've chosen. So now I live as he did.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Preachers
It's not that I don't appreciated what they do, I mean they help save people and they tech everyone incredible lessons in incredible ways. But why do I have this distaste towards them? I always feel resilient towards them, as if I don't want to succumb to such a person. If sometimes they speak in rather condescending ways and force feed my beliefs to me. Which is something I don't want to take a bar of.
A lot of effort goes into what is said while someone preaches, but I just cannot be inspired in the least of anything that they say. The only way I push on is through revelation, which is working fine for me right now, God speaks, I listen and I feel as if I could move a mountain after feeling Him there. But when God tries to speak through a preacher I just don't feel that warmth. Maybe these things happen over time? But do I want them to? I have my dignity, I want to stay true to my beliefs...not someones empty words that are thrown out into the air.
This is not a supreme issue I'm facing, but it's just on my mind. I'm just going to let the higher ups do what they feel and I'll just go with it. Hasn't failed me to date.
A lot of effort goes into what is said while someone preaches, but I just cannot be inspired in the least of anything that they say. The only way I push on is through revelation, which is working fine for me right now, God speaks, I listen and I feel as if I could move a mountain after feeling Him there. But when God tries to speak through a preacher I just don't feel that warmth. Maybe these things happen over time? But do I want them to? I have my dignity, I want to stay true to my beliefs...not someones empty words that are thrown out into the air.
This is not a supreme issue I'm facing, but it's just on my mind. I'm just going to let the higher ups do what they feel and I'll just go with it. Hasn't failed me to date.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
For once, I want to be the same.
Usually I love to be myself, to be the different one in the group. The major downside to this is that I can't relate to anybody. I know so many people that share a single interest with me, but not a single person who shares many interests. This can hurt on the inside sometimes, when I just want to talk about the stupidities in my head, no one can ever relate. Sometimes I'd love more than anything to fit in. This would be one of those times. The time where I call that someone who knows exactly what I mean and knows exactly how I feel.
Maybe that's what soul mates are for. I remember being so dependent on my ex-girlfriend, she fixed anything broken in me all the time. I really want someone to fix me. I think it's time I found a girlfriend. Or at least some miraculous miracle of finding someone who understands the absolute crud I talk about.
I remember watching 'The Beach' and one scene that completely derailed my train of thought was when two people were sitting on a beach at night looking through a telescope. The man says "...and to think that in some parallel universe there is another planet with another you staring right back at yourself."
I wish I could meet that person.
Maybe that's what soul mates are for. I remember being so dependent on my ex-girlfriend, she fixed anything broken in me all the time. I really want someone to fix me. I think it's time I found a girlfriend. Or at least some miraculous miracle of finding someone who understands the absolute crud I talk about.
I remember watching 'The Beach' and one scene that completely derailed my train of thought was when two people were sitting on a beach at night looking through a telescope. The man says "...and to think that in some parallel universe there is another planet with another you staring right back at yourself."
I wish I could meet that person.
Monday, August 20, 2007
The definition of 'normal' *working title*
I've been rewriting my first novel, an all time first was making the chapters before actually writing anything at all. I needed to do this to separate the events in my life and subjects alike. It also helps me remember what I have to write. I found that this will be a very unbiased book, where followers of Jesus will think little of one chapter but thoroughly agree with the next, and then the people who are hesitant to follow any God that their mind may conceive will be the same, but vice-versa.
The chapters are (order of the chapters are not finalized):
The chapters are (order of the chapters are not finalized):
“Be The Change”: Public perception and Christian stereotypes
Living and Purpose: Breathing is not living
Tradition and religion: Neither helps you through
Name: “I am who I am”
The Unbelievers: Under one roof, under one sky
Preachers: The fist down my throat
The Worst Enemy (Myself): Mind, body, heart and soul, and spirit
“A Bee Without Its Stinger”: The revelation of dying and sickness
As I said, this tale has no dedication and almost everybody will find it bitter and sweet. If anything, it's here to help me alone. But if there ever is another 'me' out there (cause I know I'm not alone at being alone), this is for them too. Now what is the definition of 'normal'?
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Novels, journals, notebooks and the girl at the bookshop.
Well today I spoke to a girl, who reminded me of, well, of me. It was my first lesson of Sunday school (which went well by the way), but prior to the lesson I was told I needed a notebook (which I didn't end up using), I walked into a binder-book store and asked if I could get a simple notebook. The lady who served me was both attractive and articulate, which immediately sent my mind on acid trips. She was doing journalism at university...the same thing I long to do, she has a journal...same as me, she likes to read...like me, she was incredible.
Anyway, passing the unique yet overplayed infatuations of today, I wrote a little in my journal at a Starbucks. I spoke to a man sitting on the street who was selling necklaces (that he made himself), and so I bought one to help him get by the day. I also had an unused notebook for which I had no use for, and still don't. And finally, I bought a book, 'Blue Like Jazz', I've been hunting this book down for a while, the last copy was staring at me inside a Borders store in Melbourne Central.
I've decided to resume my first novel and postpone my second. My first novel is about my personal struggles with life, God, death, religion and touches on depression. It's not a story, more of a theological-type theses, but it is aimed at agnostics and atheists, however, there is no Christian standing point in this book, it has a very 'on the fence' approach.
My second novel is about Audrey, whose mother dies and is forced to live with an uncle who she has never met, and immediately takes pleasure in loathing him before meeting him. This story has a more Christian approach, though the main protagonist is anything but Christian. This focuses on homosexuality, relationships and family.
"Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind." Plato
So much for school.
Anyway, passing the unique yet overplayed infatuations of today, I wrote a little in my journal at a Starbucks. I spoke to a man sitting on the street who was selling necklaces (that he made himself), and so I bought one to help him get by the day. I also had an unused notebook for which I had no use for, and still don't. And finally, I bought a book, 'Blue Like Jazz', I've been hunting this book down for a while, the last copy was staring at me inside a Borders store in Melbourne Central.
I've decided to resume my first novel and postpone my second. My first novel is about my personal struggles with life, God, death, religion and touches on depression. It's not a story, more of a theological-type theses, but it is aimed at agnostics and atheists, however, there is no Christian standing point in this book, it has a very 'on the fence' approach.
My second novel is about Audrey, whose mother dies and is forced to live with an uncle who she has never met, and immediately takes pleasure in loathing him before meeting him. This story has a more Christian approach, though the main protagonist is anything but Christian. This focuses on homosexuality, relationships and family.
"Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind." Plato
So much for school.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Urban Xplode
Last night was incredible! I've never seen so many people get saved at once, and it was all thanks to the man upstairs, I recall how intimidating it seemed as I was walking to the altar, and it would be no different for them, but they pushed through and I'd say over 50 had been saved.
There were a lot of lessons learned last night. Honestly I don't feel particularly motivated to type it up here but hopefully they'll remain inside my mind (maybe thats wishful thinking). Today is a big day for all the Christians down in Melbourne, for Youth Alive begins at 2pm! Sadly, I can't make it...I have two birthday parties to go to and I'm doing the 40-hour-famine at the same time.
Sunday is my first day at BOOM Academy, or Sunday school. Very nervous, but maybe it's just anxiety.
Postscript:
Lesson #1: A song describes this one well "sins like skeletons are, so very hard to hide", meaning, bury all your past mistakes, with the aid of Jesus of course.
Lesson #2: When you think you have everything in control, you've probably lost it all.
Lesson #3: Hearts can be broken to teach you how to really love, maybe broken hearts are meant to be (this occurrence is occasional, I can't say that it is always correct, but still valid).
Lesson #4: Don't believe in religion. "God has no religion", Mahatma Gandhi.
Lesson #5: Don't let Christianity become your mask, let it be the expression on your face.
There were a lot of lessons learned last night. Honestly I don't feel particularly motivated to type it up here but hopefully they'll remain inside my mind (maybe thats wishful thinking). Today is a big day for all the Christians down in Melbourne, for Youth Alive begins at 2pm! Sadly, I can't make it...I have two birthday parties to go to and I'm doing the 40-hour-famine at the same time.
Sunday is my first day at BOOM Academy, or Sunday school. Very nervous, but maybe it's just anxiety.
Postscript:
Lesson #1: A song describes this one well "sins like skeletons are, so very hard to hide", meaning, bury all your past mistakes, with the aid of Jesus of course.
Lesson #2: When you think you have everything in control, you've probably lost it all.
Lesson #3: Hearts can be broken to teach you how to really love, maybe broken hearts are meant to be (this occurrence is occasional, I can't say that it is always correct, but still valid).
Lesson #4: Don't believe in religion. "God has no religion", Mahatma Gandhi.
Lesson #5: Don't let Christianity become your mask, let it be the expression on your face.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Child-like faith
Apparently, I am heading the right way. To question the answers and answer the questions, and question the answered questions. It's all I seem to do, but each resolution gives me an epiphany of an inner-self, the beginning to a new me. But even at that moment, I still remain lost with more questions that require to be answered. And that's life. This is a piece of Stephen Christians blog, I've been meaning to find Soren Kierkegaard's book 'Training in Christianity' but have just had so much trouble finding it (seeing as it is a very rare book).
i feel that people almost feel that it is a sin to question. we cannot question the government because they have left us in such fear and ignorance that we feel they know better than us. we cannot question those that are above us in stature or status because are more likely to have experienced more and therefore our questions are irrelovent. we cannot question our beliefs or religion because faith requires us to shut up and take it.
all these are inncorect on some level. we can question authority, after all we put them there didn't we? they are the voice of the people. we are those people. we can question our elders and their decisions, we have ideas as well, new ideas, creative ideas, we can expound on they know. yes we can learn from them but we have a lot to teach as well. david (king of the jewish nation) questioned God more than anyone in the bible, even to the point of screaming at Him in anger. yet david was known as a man after Gods own heart.
"and this is the simple truth: that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look around for something to which to cling; and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. all the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.'
-soren kierkegaard
continue to question. everything. everyone. if you don't know the answer don't sit in fear of the answer! explore! embrace being lost, for that is the first step to looking for answers, and upon finding answers (and subsequently more questions) has begun to find himself.
i think this why Jesus Christ was so emphatic about having child like faith. because children have child like questions, child like curiostiy, child like faith & belief. Zen call it the beginners mind, maintaining a state of wonder and awe at the world around them.
"the stone that the builder rejects becomes the foundation for a new temple. the willingness to doubt and question is itself our new sacred ground, the spiritual journey IS NOT about getting somewhere else. its not about progress or destinations. (its about becoming child like in our faith or beginners mind). in our lostness, we have found the seed of a new identity. our being is becoming, our goal is to begin again."
-john bradshaw
i want to reiterate what the previous quote was stating, i don't believe that one can reach enlightenment honestly, nor can one reach the perfection of Christ (as paul says to pursue) but thats just it IT IS NOT about getting somewhere, or the destination, but it IS ABOUT pursuing the answers with all your heart, soul, and body.
-esteban
i feel that people almost feel that it is a sin to question. we cannot question the government because they have left us in such fear and ignorance that we feel they know better than us. we cannot question those that are above us in stature or status because are more likely to have experienced more and therefore our questions are irrelovent. we cannot question our beliefs or religion because faith requires us to shut up and take it.
all these are inncorect on some level. we can question authority, after all we put them there didn't we? they are the voice of the people. we are those people. we can question our elders and their decisions, we have ideas as well, new ideas, creative ideas, we can expound on they know. yes we can learn from them but we have a lot to teach as well. david (king of the jewish nation) questioned God more than anyone in the bible, even to the point of screaming at Him in anger. yet david was known as a man after Gods own heart.
"and this is the simple truth: that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look around for something to which to cling; and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas, the ideas of the shipwrecked. all the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce.'
-soren kierkegaard
continue to question. everything. everyone. if you don't know the answer don't sit in fear of the answer! explore! embrace being lost, for that is the first step to looking for answers, and upon finding answers (and subsequently more questions) has begun to find himself.
i think this why Jesus Christ was so emphatic about having child like faith. because children have child like questions, child like curiostiy, child like faith & belief. Zen call it the beginners mind, maintaining a state of wonder and awe at the world around them.
"the stone that the builder rejects becomes the foundation for a new temple. the willingness to doubt and question is itself our new sacred ground, the spiritual journey IS NOT about getting somewhere else. its not about progress or destinations. (its about becoming child like in our faith or beginners mind). in our lostness, we have found the seed of a new identity. our being is becoming, our goal is to begin again."
-john bradshaw
i want to reiterate what the previous quote was stating, i don't believe that one can reach enlightenment honestly, nor can one reach the perfection of Christ (as paul says to pursue) but thats just it IT IS NOT about getting somewhere, or the destination, but it IS ABOUT pursuing the answers with all your heart, soul, and body.
-esteban
Another inspiring, once-breathing man
Plato. A Greek philosopher, who has written these incredible quotes, that have transcended from the ages and are still so vivid to human ears.
There are so many to list. But alas, I just wanted to note that he is one of the hundred inspirations that have carved out who I appear to be today.
"The learning and knowledge that we have, is, at the most, but little compared with that of which we are ignorant."
If only I could appreciate the world more, and all if its inhabitants, I could, just possibly understand myself and exactly where Plato's heart lay.
There are so many to list. But alas, I just wanted to note that he is one of the hundred inspirations that have carved out who I appear to be today.
"The learning and knowledge that we have, is, at the most, but little compared with that of which we are ignorant."
If only I could appreciate the world more, and all if its inhabitants, I could, just possibly understand myself and exactly where Plato's heart lay.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Uncanny. Indescribable. Inspiring.
If I gave up every time I actually said I was going to give up...I wouldn't have written a single blog, or had a girlfriend, or have a relationship with God, or even drop out of school. It's a crazy thought when you think of how you could have gone and how your life could be different. What if didn't hit ****? What if I never went to boom? What if I rejected myspace? What if I decided not to create the AYWF?
Life would be a lot different. But everything seems to go back to influences. My cousin, who is so cool, even today, through my eyes. The most amazing person I know, and now when I look in the mirror, I see her in myself. And a lot of people used to say that, 'you're just like her, you like the same things.'
Life without her would have made me someone different. I wouldn't be into the music I am if it wasn't for her, or I would see life for what it is. I wouldn't read or write. The difference is astounding.
And then there's another certain someone, who I just admire, who I recognized only two years ago. This person believed he could change the world, and led me to believe that I can change the world if I had the right heart. And I throughly believe I do. I'm invincible as long as I'm alive.
Then there are friends. They all have brushed off onto me. They have made me who I am. I love them all. I feel the need to thank all these wonderful people who allowed me into their lives. I've been wanting to write a blog on myspace for everybody to read. A blog about what people really mean to me. Why I care so much for them and how they have affected me and my walk of life.
Uncanny. Indescribable. Inspiring. And so, so much more. If only life on this spinning sphere went longer I could tell you how I really feel.
Postscript: I really like my final line, might use it somewhere again.
~du debut a la fin*
*from beginning to end
People are so worried about the ending, but thats already begun anyway...I'm more fascinated by the beginning. How did it all start?
Life would be a lot different. But everything seems to go back to influences. My cousin, who is so cool, even today, through my eyes. The most amazing person I know, and now when I look in the mirror, I see her in myself. And a lot of people used to say that, 'you're just like her, you like the same things.'
Life without her would have made me someone different. I wouldn't be into the music I am if it wasn't for her, or I would see life for what it is. I wouldn't read or write. The difference is astounding.
And then there's another certain someone, who I just admire, who I recognized only two years ago. This person believed he could change the world, and led me to believe that I can change the world if I had the right heart. And I throughly believe I do. I'm invincible as long as I'm alive.
Then there are friends. They all have brushed off onto me. They have made me who I am. I love them all. I feel the need to thank all these wonderful people who allowed me into their lives. I've been wanting to write a blog on myspace for everybody to read. A blog about what people really mean to me. Why I care so much for them and how they have affected me and my walk of life.
Uncanny. Indescribable. Inspiring. And so, so much more. If only life on this spinning sphere went longer I could tell you how I really feel.
Postscript: I really like my final line, might use it somewhere again.
~du debut a la fin*
*from beginning to end
People are so worried about the ending, but thats already begun anyway...I'm more fascinated by the beginning. How did it all start?
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Beyond self-absorbed
Can it really be true? If you look/feel good then you feel/look good? I bought new clothes today and my self esteem shot through the roof! As berserk as it sounds, it works. Maybe losing a few kilos will make you so much happier with yourself, or even working out to get a solid stomach (which I plan to do one of these days), or getting a new wardrobe, getting a unique haircut or a new piercing. There's a lot we can do to change ourselves physically, but I never anticipated that it would benefit mentally. Guess it does.
Also, before I post this I want to say: YES, the inside always counts. I don't see the point in changing yourself for anyone else other than you! If it makes you happy, then go ahead! So if you don't feel too crash-hot with yourself, maybe go for a change, make something different, step out of the comfort zone and you never know, you may like it, even love it. But please understand, don't do this for anyone else but yourself. We can't live our lives pleasing others. "You must love yourself before you can love anyone else."
Also, before I post this I want to say: YES, the inside always counts. I don't see the point in changing yourself for anyone else other than you! If it makes you happy, then go ahead! So if you don't feel too crash-hot with yourself, maybe go for a change, make something different, step out of the comfort zone and you never know, you may like it, even love it. But please understand, don't do this for anyone else but yourself. We can't live our lives pleasing others. "You must love yourself before you can love anyone else."
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Friends, or lack thereof
I suppose I can take the jokes, but being ridiculed is an entirely different situation. My close friends respect the fact that I am a Christian, and then there's others who want to discriminate me for it.
I don't mind if they have different beliefs, but I'd just like a decent level of respect. That's all. I give it to them so I should be able to get some back. It's hard enough to practice Christianity alone, rather than deal with people constantly putting me down for pursuing it.
It hasn't changed me personality-wise, and if it did, I'd expect some form of feedback which is fine. But recently, it's just uncalled for and very below the belt statements that are being thrown at me.
It's great that I'm finding myself on this journey of self-discovery, but I fear that I'll be losing others as the sacrifice.
I don't mind if they have different beliefs, but I'd just like a decent level of respect. That's all. I give it to them so I should be able to get some back. It's hard enough to practice Christianity alone, rather than deal with people constantly putting me down for pursuing it.
It hasn't changed me personality-wise, and if it did, I'd expect some form of feedback which is fine. But recently, it's just uncalled for and very below the belt statements that are being thrown at me.
It's great that I'm finding myself on this journey of self-discovery, but I fear that I'll be losing others as the sacrifice.
Photography
Well as I said earlier, I'd like to expand of photography and these are two amazing photos I've taken.
One is the sky with a setting sun. I took it in the car and the tinted windshield gave it that awesome sepia effect.
The second one is water coming out of a showering hose and it just looks fascinating to me.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Oh, Chris, what's going on in your head?
Well, a light hearted post should be fine amongst all these trivial ones. It's 9:09am and by staring around this pigsty...or my room, as others like to call it, I see how much I've really changed. A year ago there was no guitar, video camera, digital camera, Nintendo wii, shoes that are less than $100 (which is something new for me, believe it or not), concert tickets stuck to my pin board, about 6 invites to 6 18ths, a VTAC guide (to pick university courses), a bible (of all things), a journal and a lot of books on discovering Christianity.
I'm doing the 40 hour famine to help children in Laos which is something I also did last year and cannot wait to try it again. I was one of the few who didn't find it overly difficult. I also never anticipated that I'd be going to India for 6 months next year, that is, if I get accepted. But the lady said I'm as good as in. Though India does not suffer from poverty, it has a high rate of homeless and sexually transmitted diseases. So they send me there to assist and create awareness. India still resort to women selling their bodies to fund for their weekly rations, which I think should be completely eradicated.
Digital cameras are a new thing for me. I love taking photos and capturing every moment I possibly can on film. Photography really is a beautiful art and I'd love to expand on it. I also love writing more than ever, and when people compliment that, I'm not sure if they know, but it means the world to me. Honestly, it's probably the only skill I may possess so I don't want it to go to waste.
Oh! Sunday school! What is that! Last year I would laugh hysterically at the thought, and now I'm expanding my knowledge of God. Which is something I think I need...but I'm afraid I've really put my foot in this one, I was never raised to believe in something like this and my knowledge is as dry as they come. Hopefully I can make the most of it and it won't be too confronting. But man, what is going on with my life!
Yes, I still want to do journalism (right after India, of course) and perhaps work for a magazine...that has no relevance to physical beauty, because physical beauty to me is so limited in what beauty there is and it can cause severe effects in teenage lives. The last thing I want to do with my skill is tell people how they should live and how they should look.
Anyway, church, homework, cleaning and probably a lot more is on the agenda for today but before all that I must tend to my growling stomach!
I'm doing the 40 hour famine to help children in Laos which is something I also did last year and cannot wait to try it again. I was one of the few who didn't find it overly difficult. I also never anticipated that I'd be going to India for 6 months next year, that is, if I get accepted. But the lady said I'm as good as in. Though India does not suffer from poverty, it has a high rate of homeless and sexually transmitted diseases. So they send me there to assist and create awareness. India still resort to women selling their bodies to fund for their weekly rations, which I think should be completely eradicated.
Digital cameras are a new thing for me. I love taking photos and capturing every moment I possibly can on film. Photography really is a beautiful art and I'd love to expand on it. I also love writing more than ever, and when people compliment that, I'm not sure if they know, but it means the world to me. Honestly, it's probably the only skill I may possess so I don't want it to go to waste.
Oh! Sunday school! What is that! Last year I would laugh hysterically at the thought, and now I'm expanding my knowledge of God. Which is something I think I need...but I'm afraid I've really put my foot in this one, I was never raised to believe in something like this and my knowledge is as dry as they come. Hopefully I can make the most of it and it won't be too confronting. But man, what is going on with my life!
Yes, I still want to do journalism (right after India, of course) and perhaps work for a magazine...that has no relevance to physical beauty, because physical beauty to me is so limited in what beauty there is and it can cause severe effects in teenage lives. The last thing I want to do with my skill is tell people how they should live and how they should look.
Anyway, church, homework, cleaning and probably a lot more is on the agenda for today but before all that I must tend to my growling stomach!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
This one's for you (You know who you are).
I've been thinking if I should reply via e-mail or through post. I chose post. Mostly because I would like to keep this post because I can see it is going to be significant to me and one day I would like to read it back, another reason would be that I've been so true on this particular site, so if I threw the problems on here, I might as well throw out the resolve.
Thank you so much for the e-mail, how could I possibly be angry at someone who cares about what I have to say? I'm so unbelievably grateful that we've crossed paths in our God-sent lives and that we've gotten along as great as we have. I thoroughly read your e-mail and do not feel in any way that you are shoving anything down my throat. If there is anything you would like to share then by all means, please share it. I like hearing other peoples thoughts, people don't tell me enough what they think. If you disagree, then disagree, if you agree, then agree. My writings are not persuasive in anyway, they are a point of view, each and every time. So opinions are always welcome and valid here.
So now for clarity. We all have lows and at extreme lows we tend to relentlessly blame people...or God. Which is what I did. I wrote in a poem 'in finding You I lost myself', that meant that I honestly had no knowledge of God and while throwing so much trust into this entity, this Christian-based adventure made my life a complete blur. The black-and-white view of it was that Christianity was a lifestyle that I struggled to uphold and though I could only dream of doing it right, it went from bad to worse.
God has always been there, don't get me wrong, he's been amazing. But sometimes I knew that I couldn't trust myself with something as big as God. This complete change in life was and still remains very daunting to me. Am I really going to commit my whole life to God? Time tells a lot of things, this is one of them.
One thing I learned out of all of this, God allows us to make mistakes, so we can learn. I've made 100 mistakes and learned 100 lessons. So really, I can't regret a thing. Not the crying, the cutting, the reclusion, the fights. Nothing. All but one thing remains resolved...and that one thing is going to take a while...but things have ways of working out. This tragedy was a blessing and a groundbreaking revelation.
"Let go and let God."
This also helped me a lot. A reminder on my msn name so that I would never forget.
Thank you so much for you e-mail, I hope I cleared some of the things (I know I left a lot out), any questions please ask me!
Regards from the constant screw-up who wouldn't want it any other way,
Chris.
Thank you so much for the e-mail, how could I possibly be angry at someone who cares about what I have to say? I'm so unbelievably grateful that we've crossed paths in our God-sent lives and that we've gotten along as great as we have. I thoroughly read your e-mail and do not feel in any way that you are shoving anything down my throat. If there is anything you would like to share then by all means, please share it. I like hearing other peoples thoughts, people don't tell me enough what they think. If you disagree, then disagree, if you agree, then agree. My writings are not persuasive in anyway, they are a point of view, each and every time. So opinions are always welcome and valid here.
So now for clarity. We all have lows and at extreme lows we tend to relentlessly blame people...or God. Which is what I did. I wrote in a poem 'in finding You I lost myself', that meant that I honestly had no knowledge of God and while throwing so much trust into this entity, this Christian-based adventure made my life a complete blur. The black-and-white view of it was that Christianity was a lifestyle that I struggled to uphold and though I could only dream of doing it right, it went from bad to worse.
God has always been there, don't get me wrong, he's been amazing. But sometimes I knew that I couldn't trust myself with something as big as God. This complete change in life was and still remains very daunting to me. Am I really going to commit my whole life to God? Time tells a lot of things, this is one of them.
One thing I learned out of all of this, God allows us to make mistakes, so we can learn. I've made 100 mistakes and learned 100 lessons. So really, I can't regret a thing. Not the crying, the cutting, the reclusion, the fights. Nothing. All but one thing remains resolved...and that one thing is going to take a while...but things have ways of working out. This tragedy was a blessing and a groundbreaking revelation.
"Let go and let God."
This also helped me a lot. A reminder on my msn name so that I would never forget.
Thank you so much for you e-mail, I hope I cleared some of the things (I know I left a lot out), any questions please ask me!
Regards from the constant screw-up who wouldn't want it any other way,
Chris.
"Be the change" in myself.
Incredible news! My life COULD be taking a turn for the better, for the unknown, for a greater cause! So, I've got this job, it's a voluntary job, I don't get paid. I take children's smiles as my paycheck each week, it's throughly rewarding. I teach South African children how to read and write to keep them up to date with their school work. They are amazing people to be around and so inspiring, I love them all.
Now, I received information about another organization that my aunt looked into for me (thanks loads), and apparently the lady was very excited to have me on board. This organization is called SPW, another volunteering job that flies me to third world countries to be around peers and tell them about HIV/ AIDS. Which I think is such an amazing privilege to have. I cannot believe an opportunity came like this so early in my life.
So living with the natives being completely alien to their lifestyles is something I am looking forward to, however, it's not like I'm in the organization yet, so fingers crossed.
Now, I received information about another organization that my aunt looked into for me (thanks loads), and apparently the lady was very excited to have me on board. This organization is called SPW, another volunteering job that flies me to third world countries to be around peers and tell them about HIV/ AIDS. Which I think is such an amazing privilege to have. I cannot believe an opportunity came like this so early in my life.
So living with the natives being completely alien to their lifestyles is something I am looking forward to, however, it's not like I'm in the organization yet, so fingers crossed.
Bye Bye Neverland
Neverland. Where children never grow. Sadly, I grew. I've grown. I hate change so much, this unavoidable change that throws dependency and morals right on top of my shoulders. No more traveling in cardboard boxes, or expeditions through dark caves to find cures for vampireitis, no more saving Krystal from the evil doctor Jonathan.
So I hear you're only as old as you feel. Well the culture I live in so influential in it's ways of making me wear things I hate and listening to sounds that force me to retch on the radio, it practically tells me how old I should be. I should be some sort of sex crazed man with baggy jeans and I should feel obliged to spend all my money on jewelry to show how rich and profound I am. But I haven't succumb to the culture yet. I still wear 'old' band tops, and I still listen to my Japanese tracks, and my alternative tracks that apparently have 'no talent'. Well how long have you been listening to synthesized voices over the radio? I don't own baggy jeans and I also have no obsession of flattering women with my riches.
Though I've grown up, at least I'm still me. I could easily write a 1000 word blog on the tarnished culture of today, but that's for another day.
So I hear you're only as old as you feel. Well the culture I live in so influential in it's ways of making me wear things I hate and listening to sounds that force me to retch on the radio, it practically tells me how old I should be. I should be some sort of sex crazed man with baggy jeans and I should feel obliged to spend all my money on jewelry to show how rich and profound I am. But I haven't succumb to the culture yet. I still wear 'old' band tops, and I still listen to my Japanese tracks, and my alternative tracks that apparently have 'no talent'. Well how long have you been listening to synthesized voices over the radio? I don't own baggy jeans and I also have no obsession of flattering women with my riches.
Though I've grown up, at least I'm still me. I could easily write a 1000 word blog on the tarnished culture of today, but that's for another day.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Fasting
So I was told that when I'm reaching desperation, I should fast for God to make his move. Fasting isn't easy at all, but I haven't dismissed the idea of it. They said it didn't have to be food, it just means that you sacrifice something for God to act in your life. And God and I both know, it's gotta be technology.
No plans to do it yet. But I'm not saying that I won't be doing it.
No plans to do it yet. But I'm not saying that I won't be doing it.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
'It opens at the close'
From Harry Potter, of all places, but it fits.
As old problems are solved, new ones arise. More heavy, more depressing, more damaging. But this time I have my head held high. I'm going to tackle these problems right. And awesome friend once said to me 'Happiness isn't in the absence of problems', which made a lot of sense to me. I don't have to be one or the other. Happiness and can be around when there's trouble around. Just move along. Like always.
As old problems are solved, new ones arise. More heavy, more depressing, more damaging. But this time I have my head held high. I'm going to tackle these problems right. And awesome friend once said to me 'Happiness isn't in the absence of problems', which made a lot of sense to me. I don't have to be one or the other. Happiness and can be around when there's trouble around. Just move along. Like always.
Monday, August 6, 2007
The alone song
Can someone tell me how I lift from this low?
Happiness lies in places that I’ll never know
Living for something as an image of someone
Can you tell me why I’m turning to you?
And though I know
I’m not alone at being alone
And now I’ve figured it out
In finding you I lost myself
From selfless to helpless
Can I make the most of anything?
Bathrooms, headphones and sharp utilities
Church bells ringing on secular streets
Rushing traffic with rushing heartbeats
The altar alters all the widows and orphans
The preacher preaches for the safety of others
Right now, I stand alone
Amongst the others
But I’m not alone and being alone
Like it's a crime.
How is it so wrong to be wanted? How? Maybe I like the attention I get because it's the only kind I can receive. Maybe I do want to make scenes, so people know that I'm still here. When you want the world to notice you...it turns away. Well I just want to belong somewhere, where people see me as me and love me for it. There are no strings attached, just genuine people. Where do I find them? Why should I feel obliged to do something or say things I don't mean just get the 'thumbs up' from someone who couldn't give a damn about me regardless.
I'm not willing to waste my life thriving to be wanted. But if I knew that was going to happen for the rest of my woeful life, then this world just isn't for me.
I'm not willing to waste my life thriving to be wanted. But if I knew that was going to happen for the rest of my woeful life, then this world just isn't for me.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
When you've had enough
Faith is too hard in a prison like this. I can't do it. I scared myself stupid when I stabbed myself at urban life, and even pacing around in the bathroom (the only place where I'm left alone) with tears tracking down my face is becoming too much for me.
I was saved. Saved meant salvation. Where is it! Where is what I was promised? I was better off without Jesus then with. And I say that with so much regret and sadness. But I still pray, I still cry out for anything, anything at all. I just want a sign. I need direction, anything at all.
This is hurting too much. Though I'd never contemplate suicide, I never thought I'd contemplate damage to my own body. I now find objects in the bathroom that are sharp enough to absorb my anger. My worst enemy is myself.
I can't even open my bible in this house, I can't talk about God. There's no one I can call without being heard. And especially when I'm crying silently like a child, the last thing I want to be is noticed.
I hate Christianity. My friend said "Has church taken over your life?"
Well has it? It has. Bible studies, youth groups, church. No friends. I'm tearing myself away from the crowd...the last thing I wanted to do.
Agnosia: A loss of all senses. This is me. I have no idea anymore.
And another thing. It looks like I'm the only person who struggles with God. Everyone else is so damn confident, no one struggles. At all. Isn't it great? It's apparent that everyones content with themselves and God while I just fail to understand why I have so much trouble praising someone I don't know.
I told him I surrendered myself to him. He can use me as much as he wants. But what use is there? I'm not happy here.
I'm not happy at all.
And what do I choose? God or friends? The answer is obvious isn't it? No, it's not. I grew up with friends, they pick me up when I'm down, they pull me through these times when I'm close to giving up on everything.
In a situation like this...who do I tell?
I can't live in pain, unstable emotions, undefined religions and myself.
"Losing myself, in myself. Inner demons make demands."
This is it. I want to go back to the way I was. I remember being happy then. And for some reason, whenever I look at an older Christian, it doesn't appeal to me at all. I hate the sight. I don't intend to be a Ned Flanders, I don't know if anyone noticed but he wasn't the coolest guy featured on 'The Simpsons'.
I can't do it. I give up. I prayed and prayed, and God has perfect timing I know...but how long am I willing to live in pain. I thought someone died so I didn't have to go through this...
I was saved. Saved meant salvation. Where is it! Where is what I was promised? I was better off without Jesus then with. And I say that with so much regret and sadness. But I still pray, I still cry out for anything, anything at all. I just want a sign. I need direction, anything at all.
This is hurting too much. Though I'd never contemplate suicide, I never thought I'd contemplate damage to my own body. I now find objects in the bathroom that are sharp enough to absorb my anger. My worst enemy is myself.
I can't even open my bible in this house, I can't talk about God. There's no one I can call without being heard. And especially when I'm crying silently like a child, the last thing I want to be is noticed.
I hate Christianity. My friend said "Has church taken over your life?"
Well has it? It has. Bible studies, youth groups, church. No friends. I'm tearing myself away from the crowd...the last thing I wanted to do.
Agnosia: A loss of all senses. This is me. I have no idea anymore.
And another thing. It looks like I'm the only person who struggles with God. Everyone else is so damn confident, no one struggles. At all. Isn't it great? It's apparent that everyones content with themselves and God while I just fail to understand why I have so much trouble praising someone I don't know.
I told him I surrendered myself to him. He can use me as much as he wants. But what use is there? I'm not happy here.
I'm not happy at all.
And what do I choose? God or friends? The answer is obvious isn't it? No, it's not. I grew up with friends, they pick me up when I'm down, they pull me through these times when I'm close to giving up on everything.
In a situation like this...who do I tell?
I can't live in pain, unstable emotions, undefined religions and myself.
"Losing myself, in myself. Inner demons make demands."
This is it. I want to go back to the way I was. I remember being happy then. And for some reason, whenever I look at an older Christian, it doesn't appeal to me at all. I hate the sight. I don't intend to be a Ned Flanders, I don't know if anyone noticed but he wasn't the coolest guy featured on 'The Simpsons'.
I can't do it. I give up. I prayed and prayed, and God has perfect timing I know...but how long am I willing to live in pain. I thought someone died so I didn't have to go through this...
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Staggering stupidity to genius
(I) Life is a dream. When we wake up we are dead. Where are we sleeping? Why did we sleep?
(II) Space is like the inside of a soccer ball, whats outside of its shell? What happens when you hit its shell? What happens when you penetrate its shell (deflation/ explosion)?
(III) Space has no ending. Period. Energy has no ending. Life has no ending. Only our bodies are left to rot, like all else that lives. Souls are collected by 'the hand'.
(VI) The earth and all that resides was created by a big bang...where was the force?
(V) Love is not a choice. Anyone who begs to differ the matter should tell that to the gays, lesbians and the oldest couples of the world.
(VI) Maybe earth is purgatory. Maybe we need to find out the purpose of our new lives to proceed? What would happen if we failed?
(VII) Maybe life just happened.
(VIII) We are walking a set path till the second we die, the final second will tell us if that path was worth taking.
(IX) We make choices, there are no hands to hold but we are guided.
(X) Dying feels good after your body releases your soul.
(XI) Dying hurts more than anything you've come across in your life, welcome to your death.
(XII) Death has a materialized form.
(XIII) What was it really like before birth?
Postscript: I really enjoyed brainstorming these. Maybe I don't agree with any of them, maybe some, maybe many. But I like to think of the what ifs.
(II) Space is like the inside of a soccer ball, whats outside of its shell? What happens when you hit its shell? What happens when you penetrate its shell (deflation/ explosion)?
(III) Space has no ending. Period. Energy has no ending. Life has no ending. Only our bodies are left to rot, like all else that lives. Souls are collected by 'the hand'.
(VI) The earth and all that resides was created by a big bang...where was the force?
(V) Love is not a choice. Anyone who begs to differ the matter should tell that to the gays, lesbians and the oldest couples of the world.
(VI) Maybe earth is purgatory. Maybe we need to find out the purpose of our new lives to proceed? What would happen if we failed?
(VII) Maybe life just happened.
(VIII) We are walking a set path till the second we die, the final second will tell us if that path was worth taking.
(IX) We make choices, there are no hands to hold but we are guided.
(X) Dying feels good after your body releases your soul.
(XI) Dying hurts more than anything you've come across in your life, welcome to your death.
(XII) Death has a materialized form.
(XIII) What was it really like before birth?
Postscript: I really enjoyed brainstorming these. Maybe I don't agree with any of them, maybe some, maybe many. But I like to think of the what ifs.
Sober and stupid
I must say, I am proud of myself. I made a decision not to drink...and I stuck by it. I was told to call or send a message to my youth leader if I was having troubles, but I was more than fine.
When people were saying 'God, Chris! How much have you had!?' it made me feel great. Without alcohol I can do all the things I usually do with alcohol.
And of course, couldn't have done it without You. Thanks.
When people were saying 'God, Chris! How much have you had!?' it made me feel great. Without alcohol I can do all the things I usually do with alcohol.
And of course, couldn't have done it without You. Thanks.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Universalism
"After long study and experience, I have come to the conclusion that [1] all religions are true; [2] all religions have some error in them; [3] all religions are almost as dear to me as my own Hinduism, in as much as all human beings should be as dear to one as one's own close relatives. My own veneration for other faiths is the same as that for my own faith; therefore no thought of conversion is possible." ~Gandhi
Universalism. We all get saved. Even after death.
I think it's a great idea, but it is a human thought, a human thought blended with wishful thinking. Though I'd love it so much to be true, for universalism to be real, hell must be dismissed. Without hell, there is universalism.
However, if hell was in fact purgatory, universalism is as real as God.
Universalism. We all get saved. Even after death.
I think it's a great idea, but it is a human thought, a human thought blended with wishful thinking. Though I'd love it so much to be true, for universalism to be real, hell must be dismissed. Without hell, there is universalism.
However, if hell was in fact purgatory, universalism is as real as God.
Christians of the world
Last night my revelation was reinforced. "It's good that you have more sinners than saved as friends." That was all I heard, and I did understand, but last nights youth group elaborated on it.
It's not what you don't do as a Christian, it's what you do do. It's not about not drinking, smoking, swearing or lying. It's about being part of the world and doing what you can for other people. "For God so loved the world..." He loves the entire world. The gays, the rapists, the unsaved, the saved, all the same. It would pain God to be separated from the world he loves via sin.
Christians more or less means Christ-like. To set examples, to help the ones who need to be helped.
That's what I learned last night.
As for my revelation, I love all my friends the same, I wouldn't dare trade them for anything, and I even told God, I'll die for my friends if even one wasn't saved by the end of my life. The amazing thing about God is...that he wouldn't let that happen.
This was a major concern for me circa three weeks ago, but realizing that God actually understands that, and that I was saved for the sole purpose of helping the ones I love...seemed sort of oblivious to me until now.
It's not what you don't do as a Christian, it's what you do do. It's not about not drinking, smoking, swearing or lying. It's about being part of the world and doing what you can for other people. "For God so loved the world..." He loves the entire world. The gays, the rapists, the unsaved, the saved, all the same. It would pain God to be separated from the world he loves via sin.
Christians more or less means Christ-like. To set examples, to help the ones who need to be helped.
That's what I learned last night.
As for my revelation, I love all my friends the same, I wouldn't dare trade them for anything, and I even told God, I'll die for my friends if even one wasn't saved by the end of my life. The amazing thing about God is...that he wouldn't let that happen.
This was a major concern for me circa three weeks ago, but realizing that God actually understands that, and that I was saved for the sole purpose of helping the ones I love...seemed sort of oblivious to me until now.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
The 13-year-old boy
Today I received a letter I had written to myself from 6 years ago. I was so naive, and funnily enough, I still am. I haven't changed. Six whole years later and I haven't changed. That puts me at ease, to know that through thick and thins, the hates, the loves, the gained, the lost and everything else, I am still the same person.
The letter, which started off as an interesting concept and task, now took the shape of a prophecy. The contents held questions that I could now answer. The letter, from beginning to end, was cluttered with questions. And the resolve came from the author, me. I answered my own questions. The questions which seemed so profound at the time, but now are so utterly simplistic that my new batch of questions regarding life, God and death had easily overpowered them.
Though it was fun and reminiscent, I could not help feeling sad that that particular opportunity is now gone. The worries of high school heart-brakes , friends, enemies are now a thing of the past. Now I'm forced to find jobs, tolerate obnoxious managers, study, study and study.
Life six years ago was indeed different, better or worse, I can't say. But it's one part of my life, I'm now aware, that I'm never getting back. I say I lived it well.
But then, how can this area of my life top the previous? An attempt to outdo myself does sound quite evoking, let's move mountains.
The letter, which started off as an interesting concept and task, now took the shape of a prophecy. The contents held questions that I could now answer. The letter, from beginning to end, was cluttered with questions. And the resolve came from the author, me. I answered my own questions. The questions which seemed so profound at the time, but now are so utterly simplistic that my new batch of questions regarding life, God and death had easily overpowered them.
Though it was fun and reminiscent, I could not help feeling sad that that particular opportunity is now gone. The worries of high school heart-brakes , friends, enemies are now a thing of the past. Now I'm forced to find jobs, tolerate obnoxious managers, study, study and study.
Life six years ago was indeed different, better or worse, I can't say. But it's one part of my life, I'm now aware, that I'm never getting back. I say I lived it well.
But then, how can this area of my life top the previous? An attempt to outdo myself does sound quite evoking, let's move mountains.
Orphan
I came to me that I've been addressing my father with a title, rather than his name. It only occurred to me when a friend told me. "Imagine you were best friends with someone your whole life and you never knew their name...you just called them your friend, or your mate, or whatever."
She was right. What is God's name?
She was right. What is God's name?
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