Ultimate agnosia (This is what I've become)

Why can't I just accept things? I don't understand at all. I thought I understood, thought I overcame this situation, but it still lingers.

Why was I saved? Was it my decision or His to be saved? It doesn't make sense...could I have this all wrong?

And last night. Another bible study. This time I had to literally stab myself to keep under control, I don't know what came over me. But my past kept recurring in my mind and I was close to walking out. Homosexuality, love, relationships, dating. All of these were discussed last night. And all of these were involved in my past.

My thoughts strongly differed from the Christians. They hadn't been in those situations, not even the leaders, and I understand that they are doing their job, that they are trying to help us. But I disagreed with a lot that was said.

I took the pen in my right hand and stabbed the left. 'Don't make a scene!' I told myself. The pen was going deeper. 'No, don't bleed. That would be the worst thing to happen right now.' The pain calmed me down, but I became very concerned for myself.

For the first time I felt like I had to use pain as a relaxant. The pain absorbed my anger. It's such a wrong thing to do. I didn't do it out of loneliness, depression, addiction or obsession, but out of frustration.

From good, to bad, to hell. Here I am.