Why can't I just accept things? I don't understand at all. I thought I understood, thought I overcame this situation, but it still lingers.
Why was I saved? Was it my decision or His to be saved? It doesn't make sense...could I have this all wrong?
And last night. Another bible study. This time I had to literally stab myself to keep under control, I don't know what came over me. But my past kept recurring in my mind and I was close to walking out. Homosexuality, love, relationships, dating. All of these were discussed last night. And all of these were involved in my past.
My thoughts strongly differed from the Christians. They hadn't been in those situations, not even the leaders, and I understand that they are doing their job, that they are trying to help us. But I disagreed with a lot that was said.
I took the pen in my right hand and stabbed the left. 'Don't make a scene!' I told myself. The pen was going deeper. 'No, don't bleed. That would be the worst thing to happen right now.' The pain calmed me down, but I became very concerned for myself.
For the first time I felt like I had to use pain as a relaxant. The pain absorbed my anger. It's such a wrong thing to do. I didn't do it out of loneliness, depression, addiction or obsession, but out of frustration.
From good, to bad, to hell. Here I am.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Clash!
Well there is but another clash in my life. Sinners, friends, saints, friends. Yesterdays church sermon pretty much told me that being involved with Christians is far better than being involved with sinners. I disagree. That's a very self-centered thought and it's only true to the ones who want to be eternally safe as well as saved.
There are still people who crave a touch from God, or even a friendship to get them to their feet once more to approach this thing called life. I LOVE my sinners more so than my saints. It's Him who can help them find salvation (with assistance from me, who God is using).
There is nothing at all wrong with a sinner, it's the sin. So be friends with the sinners, love them, they are people. Discrimination can occur in more ways than race, age, sex and sexual status.
I don't usually intend to write so prejudicially, allowing my belief to get the better of me. But this is how I feel, and I'm real to myself. If I'm seen as a kook then so be it.
Another thing. I understand that the bible rejects the idea of homosexuality. I don't. Again, gays are people, they do have feelings, and their sexual orientation shouldn't affect the ways in which they life. I have gay friends, I respect them and some of them even inspire me. Their stories, their tragedies and heartbreak of being gay...is just trauma to the mind. Nobody should live like that. Nobody.
There are still people who crave a touch from God, or even a friendship to get them to their feet once more to approach this thing called life. I LOVE my sinners more so than my saints. It's Him who can help them find salvation (with assistance from me, who God is using).
There is nothing at all wrong with a sinner, it's the sin. So be friends with the sinners, love them, they are people. Discrimination can occur in more ways than race, age, sex and sexual status.
I don't usually intend to write so prejudicially, allowing my belief to get the better of me. But this is how I feel, and I'm real to myself. If I'm seen as a kook then so be it.
Another thing. I understand that the bible rejects the idea of homosexuality. I don't. Again, gays are people, they do have feelings, and their sexual orientation shouldn't affect the ways in which they life. I have gay friends, I respect them and some of them even inspire me. Their stories, their tragedies and heartbreak of being gay...is just trauma to the mind. Nobody should live like that. Nobody.
The dream about the dream
Last night's dream was me talking to my friend ABOUT the dream I had the night before...the dream where I woke up in pain. Hmm, I feel connections somewhere.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Audrey
It's 2:06, no parents to worry about her wear abouts. It was a freezing night, the ends of her fingers were tingling with the sensation of near-frostbite. It was strange to see the main road so sedated. Lacking the busyness, the exhaust fumes and the people, the place seemed more and more like a ghost town each step of the way.
There was no one who could see her, so she allowed her hot tears to track down her face. "God," She mutters as she is walking "how stupid."
She approached a bridge where a dried up creek lay beneath. The coldness of the night solidified into a mist that gently floated between the cavings of the creek. She stopped at the center of the bridge and looked over the side. There was no way to determine where the bottom was. She wiped away her tears and placed her hands in the cold metal railings. She pulled up her leg over the side and sat on the edge of the bridge.
If I fall I fall. The mist, like my life, is clouded and there's no way to know the ending of this story. Just do it. Who the hell would miss me anyway?
At the sound of her thoughts her stomach had twisted. The feeling made her whole body quiver. "Frank." She spoke silently "Frank would miss me."
Her heart, as if it was being squeezed, tightened severely. The strain made her tears flow even more so. "You left me with nothing!" She screamed at the sky "You took everything that mattered to me when you died! A-And your own daughter gets nothing to her fucking name! Nothing but the saint and his hot son!" her voice had broken several times and towards the end of her vent she quivered uncontrollably.
"Just jump." She said to herself. "Jump you idiot, jump!" Her fist began to pound onto the metal rails. The pain seemed to distract her so she repeated the action. She punched the rails over and over. Blood began to seep through her skin, it was hotter than her tears. The pain in her right hand felt surprisingly relieving. The pain slowly absorbed her anger. The pain was the only thing that could keep her under control.
She turn her body back around to the road and slipped her bottom off from the rail. Her feet clodded onto the concrete. As her feet had hit the ground, gravity felt so much heavier. All of her energy was practically gone. All she desired now, was sleep. Looking more drab than ever, she dragged her jelly-like legs down the road, all the way home. Her right hand coated in scarlet.
There was no one who could see her, so she allowed her hot tears to track down her face. "God," She mutters as she is walking "how stupid."
She approached a bridge where a dried up creek lay beneath. The coldness of the night solidified into a mist that gently floated between the cavings of the creek. She stopped at the center of the bridge and looked over the side. There was no way to determine where the bottom was. She wiped away her tears and placed her hands in the cold metal railings. She pulled up her leg over the side and sat on the edge of the bridge.
If I fall I fall. The mist, like my life, is clouded and there's no way to know the ending of this story. Just do it. Who the hell would miss me anyway?
At the sound of her thoughts her stomach had twisted. The feeling made her whole body quiver. "Frank." She spoke silently "Frank would miss me."
Her heart, as if it was being squeezed, tightened severely. The strain made her tears flow even more so. "You left me with nothing!" She screamed at the sky "You took everything that mattered to me when you died! A-And your own daughter gets nothing to her fucking name! Nothing but the saint and his hot son!" her voice had broken several times and towards the end of her vent she quivered uncontrollably.
"Just jump." She said to herself. "Jump you idiot, jump!" Her fist began to pound onto the metal rails. The pain seemed to distract her so she repeated the action. She punched the rails over and over. Blood began to seep through her skin, it was hotter than her tears. The pain in her right hand felt surprisingly relieving. The pain slowly absorbed her anger. The pain was the only thing that could keep her under control.
She turn her body back around to the road and slipped her bottom off from the rail. Her feet clodded onto the concrete. As her feet had hit the ground, gravity felt so much heavier. All of her energy was practically gone. All she desired now, was sleep. Looking more drab than ever, she dragged her jelly-like legs down the road, all the way home. Her right hand coated in scarlet.
The dream
There's a girl, I don't know her name, but we're pretty close, I've never seen her in real life before. She is a runaway child, lives her life on the streets. I'm walking with her down a an old road decorated in pot holes. Accompanying us are two friends from church. We're laughing.
We come across a homeless man without a voice, the girl appears to know him. The man is slumping on the side of a fence. Next to him is a sign (this is a fuzzy memory) "We enter God's stomach when we die."
He lifted his t shirt and written in permanent marker was the same thing. Everyone shook their heads showing their understanding. I just stood.
Soon after, we left past the homeless man and sat on the edge of a curb. I get a slap on the shoulder and I turn around. "Yeah?" I ask.
"The devil becomes the Lord." He says as he looks me straight into the eyes so innocently. He begins to laugh as if I had just spoken an ever-so-lighthearted joke.
Postscript: ...What do I make of that? If I have another haunting dream again tonight, I going to fret. I woke this morning with a throbbing arm and pained calf, both on the left side. How did I possibly hurt myself so much in my sleep?
We come across a homeless man without a voice, the girl appears to know him. The man is slumping on the side of a fence. Next to him is a sign (this is a fuzzy memory) "We enter God's stomach when we die."
He lifted his t shirt and written in permanent marker was the same thing. Everyone shook their heads showing their understanding. I just stood.
Soon after, we left past the homeless man and sat on the edge of a curb. I get a slap on the shoulder and I turn around. "Yeah?" I ask.
"The devil becomes the Lord." He says as he looks me straight into the eyes so innocently. He begins to laugh as if I had just spoken an ever-so-lighthearted joke.
Postscript: ...What do I make of that? If I have another haunting dream again tonight, I going to fret. I woke this morning with a throbbing arm and pained calf, both on the left side. How did I possibly hurt myself so much in my sleep?
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Odd thought.
Today is never coming again. Would I want it to come again? Was it worth living? What would happen if I skipped today? Was today significant for anything that will be revealed in the future?
Guess we'll never know. Maybe this is exactly why we should live out a day as much as we possibly can. Because if we don't we are left unfulfilled. We are the architects of our lives. We make it what it is.
Guess we'll never know. Maybe this is exactly why we should live out a day as much as we possibly can. Because if we don't we are left unfulfilled. We are the architects of our lives. We make it what it is.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The way, the truth and the life
Last night was incredible. A hundred voices of praise hurdling towards the ceiling and bouncing into all sorts of directions. I believe, words of worship don't have to be loud to be heard, you don't need to raise your arms and pace around the room stamping your feet. However, a love for God, which soon become a hunger for God, would soon grow more and more.
The group leaders kept pushing for the climax, they throughly believed that something had to happen, and so they kept pushing, for what seemed like an hour. However, this hour went incredibly fast. Especially after I was asked by one of the leaders to approach him.
I was expecting a question like 'what's wrong?', so they could understand why I wasn't praising and worshiping as much as I should be (compared to the others). Instead I received "God wants to move in you tonight, please, let me pray for you."
My mood that night had been completely killed prior to when I went to the bible study. I wasn't in the mood to praise or worship, I would be content with knowledge of God's word. The bible is a book that perhaps I should read more often, but I always find ways to distract myself. So I had the mindset to go to the bible study and just learn from the bible since I couldn't do much else there.
But plans had changed. The intensity of the room changed, my thoughts of homework and assessments changed, the mood changed. That feeling. The third time. Slowly my energy was depleting again, making my knees knack and my head throb. My body had vulgar-like reflexes which occurred when my stomach twisted itself. I felt every ounce of blood push out of my heart and through my arteries, the feeling of it became so precise that my fingers began to tingle at their ends. This was all physical. Mentally and spiritually was in an entirely different boat. I felt so safe again, the worries of the world completely died, again. The rush of adrenaline made me feel like I was actually doing something that felt so right.
"Lord!" I speak.
After so long. My tongue was loose and it had spoken. Was I really hungry for God? What made the change? Hands were pressed all over my quivering body. Words, some in English, others in tongue, were filling the room. My voice had started low, then started to grow. These people around me. They didn't know who I had been, what I had done. All that concerned them was that God had intentions to 'move' me. God is love. Love is movement. And here I am. What am I?
My voice grew even louder. As far as I was concerned, it was me and God, and the room was empty. My eye's lulled me to believe that I had left my body behind and gone somewhere that seemed like a supreme sanctuary. "Get rid of the three demons! Please!" My inner-self screamed.
There was no sound, it was those words that erupted into my mind. I opened my eyes. I froze. People still praying. What just happened? Sanctuary was gone. I didn't understand exactly, I just hoped that my prayer was heard. Take the three demons away from her. That's all.
Then people stopped praying and spoke to me in person. People said how amazing I am, how amazing God is. How my intentions are so good and so hopeful and that I would achieve my high set goals. They all expected a reply from me. I was speechless. I was grateful, but I also felt spoon-fed. Perhaps it was an obligation and they honestly felt that God needed me to know, or maybe they said it to make me feel good. I hope it was the first of the two. I doubt that they wouldn't take God seriously anyway regardless.
A great disadvantage to my way of thinking is that I need to look at everything so throughly until I find as much as I'd like. God has no limits, it will take a lifetime to understand the basics of such an entity, maybe that's why I'm so compelled to push further. To seek truth in the world and in Christ. That's all I really want and every time I say that I think of that the verse in the bible clouds my mind and I'm reminded of what Jesus had said "I am the way, the truth and the life."
I am convinced that he is real, therefore I trust his words, for they are real too. There is a lot to swallow...but I'm still hungry. So, so hungry. Feed me the truth, the knowledge, Your presence.
Postscript: We didn't even have time left to study. But I learned so much more that I ever thought I would that night.
The group leaders kept pushing for the climax, they throughly believed that something had to happen, and so they kept pushing, for what seemed like an hour. However, this hour went incredibly fast. Especially after I was asked by one of the leaders to approach him.
I was expecting a question like 'what's wrong?', so they could understand why I wasn't praising and worshiping as much as I should be (compared to the others). Instead I received "God wants to move in you tonight, please, let me pray for you."
My mood that night had been completely killed prior to when I went to the bible study. I wasn't in the mood to praise or worship, I would be content with knowledge of God's word. The bible is a book that perhaps I should read more often, but I always find ways to distract myself. So I had the mindset to go to the bible study and just learn from the bible since I couldn't do much else there.
But plans had changed. The intensity of the room changed, my thoughts of homework and assessments changed, the mood changed. That feeling. The third time. Slowly my energy was depleting again, making my knees knack and my head throb. My body had vulgar-like reflexes which occurred when my stomach twisted itself. I felt every ounce of blood push out of my heart and through my arteries, the feeling of it became so precise that my fingers began to tingle at their ends. This was all physical. Mentally and spiritually was in an entirely different boat. I felt so safe again, the worries of the world completely died, again. The rush of adrenaline made me feel like I was actually doing something that felt so right.
"Lord!" I speak.
After so long. My tongue was loose and it had spoken. Was I really hungry for God? What made the change? Hands were pressed all over my quivering body. Words, some in English, others in tongue, were filling the room. My voice had started low, then started to grow. These people around me. They didn't know who I had been, what I had done. All that concerned them was that God had intentions to 'move' me. God is love. Love is movement. And here I am. What am I?
My voice grew even louder. As far as I was concerned, it was me and God, and the room was empty. My eye's lulled me to believe that I had left my body behind and gone somewhere that seemed like a supreme sanctuary. "Get rid of the three demons! Please!" My inner-self screamed.
There was no sound, it was those words that erupted into my mind. I opened my eyes. I froze. People still praying. What just happened? Sanctuary was gone. I didn't understand exactly, I just hoped that my prayer was heard. Take the three demons away from her. That's all.
Then people stopped praying and spoke to me in person. People said how amazing I am, how amazing God is. How my intentions are so good and so hopeful and that I would achieve my high set goals. They all expected a reply from me. I was speechless. I was grateful, but I also felt spoon-fed. Perhaps it was an obligation and they honestly felt that God needed me to know, or maybe they said it to make me feel good. I hope it was the first of the two. I doubt that they wouldn't take God seriously anyway regardless.
A great disadvantage to my way of thinking is that I need to look at everything so throughly until I find as much as I'd like. God has no limits, it will take a lifetime to understand the basics of such an entity, maybe that's why I'm so compelled to push further. To seek truth in the world and in Christ. That's all I really want and every time I say that I think of that the verse in the bible clouds my mind and I'm reminded of what Jesus had said "I am the way, the truth and the life."
I am convinced that he is real, therefore I trust his words, for they are real too. There is a lot to swallow...but I'm still hungry. So, so hungry. Feed me the truth, the knowledge, Your presence.
Postscript: We didn't even have time left to study. But I learned so much more that I ever thought I would that night.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Bring on the esteban!
You only live once...why not learn guitar?
I have no idea why, but I have a sudden compulsion to learn how to play a guitar. And if I can throw what I write into the lyrics I sing and penetrate emotion straight out of those guitar strings, then by all means, let's do it!
Although there is a slight problem, my voice. Not the best I've ever heard. But it will suffice for now I suppose. I cannot wait to get a nice, new acoustic and start playing/ learning to my hearts content.
I have no idea why, but I have a sudden compulsion to learn how to play a guitar. And if I can throw what I write into the lyrics I sing and penetrate emotion straight out of those guitar strings, then by all means, let's do it!
Although there is a slight problem, my voice. Not the best I've ever heard. But it will suffice for now I suppose. I cannot wait to get a nice, new acoustic and start playing/ learning to my hearts content.
Remeber me for I have lived.
Why do I write? I think it's to understand this life. How much I can possibly see, touch, smell, taste and feel (physically, mentally and spiritually). I'm only going to be here once. So let's chronicle my travels. Let someone read the dramas, misfortune, peaks, plunges of my life. Let them learn from the mistakes that I made, then them live a fuller life than I have, then them take my words and pass them to a friend in need.
I want to die remembered. There is so much I can leave behind, but nothing I can take. But I'm not going to leave houses, riches, countless possessions. I'll leave behind all the hearts I've touched. And those touched hearts with touch others. That's all I want to do.
At the end of the road theres only some cement with my name and date of birth/ death. It's not going to have much else on there. Not all the achievements, good times, bad times. And that piece of cement will weather and crack and rot.
But not the touch in the hearts. The touched hearts live on, forever touching others. I'm making my mark.
I think big. Always have. I don't care for money, I care for happiness. I believe that I can achieve happiness without making money are prime priority. Call me crazy I don't mind. But what is crazy? The fact I see life for what it really is? The fact my mind thinks of things that other minds reject. I don't condone the rejection of thoughts, my brain, I do what I want.
Nothing in this world is forbidden, it's your choice to pursue an action. Whether someone else determines if that is right or wrong is up to them. But only you know why you have pursued that particular action.
All I ask is this: Remember me for I have lived. I was once on this earth, I crawled, I walked, I died. So, between birth and death why not help all the people who are not enjoying life? Why not change the world? Impossible is a stupid word. It does not exist. Just do it. I'm living in the present, so I deal with present problems. When the future arrives, I'll deal with it then. And be you! Why do you want to be anyone else? Each and everyone of us has the power to change the world. It's your choice whether you want to use it. To be extraordinary...or live in routine, forever collecting paychecks. Dare to live. Love to live! It's only happening once.
I want to die remembered. There is so much I can leave behind, but nothing I can take. But I'm not going to leave houses, riches, countless possessions. I'll leave behind all the hearts I've touched. And those touched hearts with touch others. That's all I want to do.
At the end of the road theres only some cement with my name and date of birth/ death. It's not going to have much else on there. Not all the achievements, good times, bad times. And that piece of cement will weather and crack and rot.
But not the touch in the hearts. The touched hearts live on, forever touching others. I'm making my mark.
I think big. Always have. I don't care for money, I care for happiness. I believe that I can achieve happiness without making money are prime priority. Call me crazy I don't mind. But what is crazy? The fact I see life for what it really is? The fact my mind thinks of things that other minds reject. I don't condone the rejection of thoughts, my brain, I do what I want.
Nothing in this world is forbidden, it's your choice to pursue an action. Whether someone else determines if that is right or wrong is up to them. But only you know why you have pursued that particular action.
All I ask is this: Remember me for I have lived. I was once on this earth, I crawled, I walked, I died. So, between birth and death why not help all the people who are not enjoying life? Why not change the world? Impossible is a stupid word. It does not exist. Just do it. I'm living in the present, so I deal with present problems. When the future arrives, I'll deal with it then. And be you! Why do you want to be anyone else? Each and everyone of us has the power to change the world. It's your choice whether you want to use it. To be extraordinary...or live in routine, forever collecting paychecks. Dare to live. Love to live! It's only happening once.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Science saves life...as does God.
Church last night was amazing, so many people suffocated the isles and altar, it was intense. A guest preacher from America came all the way down to preach, sadly I've forgotten his name but he was very involved and influential, really an amazing man of God.
Soon after, the topic of science began to course from his lips. I always new there was a religion vs. science epidemic but I had never seen it put into practice. I don't see why scientists are such bad people. They are bettering the world...but so is God. So I assumed to conclude that the mindset of the preacher was 'God will do what he wants to me and the world, the scientists are imitating God and therefore are sinful.'
Now that's fine to think that. But I say: thank God for science. God gave us science to save us and the world. Whether we take the credit for it or give it to Him is up to the inventor. But it is something that we need. Science is what is keep people alive, it's what is giving us knowledge of the outsides and insides of the world. Science is something that constantly progresses and evolves into something great.
Soon after, the topic of science began to course from his lips. I always new there was a religion vs. science epidemic but I had never seen it put into practice. I don't see why scientists are such bad people. They are bettering the world...but so is God. So I assumed to conclude that the mindset of the preacher was 'God will do what he wants to me and the world, the scientists are imitating God and therefore are sinful.'
Now that's fine to think that. But I say: thank God for science. God gave us science to save us and the world. Whether we take the credit for it or give it to Him is up to the inventor. But it is something that we need. Science is what is keep people alive, it's what is giving us knowledge of the outsides and insides of the world. Science is something that constantly progresses and evolves into something great.
At 10:49pm
It's irritating how I seem to be in a great mood so often but in the most inappropriate places. It seems my mood must be killed for the benefit of having an argument. I'm not angry writing this, which is actually a shock. Perhaps I've accepted the frequent downpour of hateful words clamoring into my bedroom. The continuous never-ending threats that attempt to stab me right through the heart...but always fails. I suppose if sacrifice is what it takes, then by all means, make it a verb and take my things. I'll sit, think, read, write and pray. It's apparent that these are my fascinations.
I'd rather have a terrible day than a great day that is ruined. It's just getting really disheartening and I just tend to depress myself, suppress my feelings and move on. I hear though that I shouldn't do that. Bottling feelings is wrong, but with all the issues I have, who the heck do I tell?
My biggest problem was a religious one (as much as I hate that word). Can't tell a non-religious person for they wouldn't understand. Didn't want to tell a Christian because I'd get a Christian answer...and to be honest, I was growing tired of the lot. All I wanted was friend- like advice.
Then, family issues. Who do I tell those to? Someone really close, so I spoke to a close friend, lost in conversation and drinking coffee at a nearby cafe. At least, that was my idea. But constant schedule clashes meant that it didn't work out.
Then I just wanted to rant. Who can be with me just to sit and listen and laugh at me screaming at the most bizzare things in my insanely twisted yet favorable life.
And why is my life favorable? I'm hearing this a lot. I think people judge me by the smile I wear...I'm sorry but there are times where it isn't real. I'm not eternally happy.
This isn't an attack, it's just that I wish sometimes that someone would want to get to know me rather than form opinions and compare me to themselves to make better or worse images of themselves. I can't change your life if it's not satisfying you. It's up to you.
I have no idea how many times I've written this but: 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'
It's funny, who I am vs who I've been. There have been two sides of the same mind fighting for different things. It's not easy changing who you are...into someone who you wish you could be. I think I may be relying on time too much.
I'd rather have a terrible day than a great day that is ruined. It's just getting really disheartening and I just tend to depress myself, suppress my feelings and move on. I hear though that I shouldn't do that. Bottling feelings is wrong, but with all the issues I have, who the heck do I tell?
My biggest problem was a religious one (as much as I hate that word). Can't tell a non-religious person for they wouldn't understand. Didn't want to tell a Christian because I'd get a Christian answer...and to be honest, I was growing tired of the lot. All I wanted was friend- like advice.
Then, family issues. Who do I tell those to? Someone really close, so I spoke to a close friend, lost in conversation and drinking coffee at a nearby cafe. At least, that was my idea. But constant schedule clashes meant that it didn't work out.
Then I just wanted to rant. Who can be with me just to sit and listen and laugh at me screaming at the most bizzare things in my insanely twisted yet favorable life.
And why is my life favorable? I'm hearing this a lot. I think people judge me by the smile I wear...I'm sorry but there are times where it isn't real. I'm not eternally happy.
This isn't an attack, it's just that I wish sometimes that someone would want to get to know me rather than form opinions and compare me to themselves to make better or worse images of themselves. I can't change your life if it's not satisfying you. It's up to you.
I have no idea how many times I've written this but: 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'
It's funny, who I am vs who I've been. There have been two sides of the same mind fighting for different things. It's not easy changing who you are...into someone who you wish you could be. I think I may be relying on time too much.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Was it really You?
Revelations. They come unexpectedly. I can't say I'm sure, but I have a strong feeling I was talking to the holy spirit last night. Ignoring the pastors words I was arguing with the holy spirit in my mind.
I said "I'd rather burn in hell with the ones I love than sit alone in heaven. It's not where I am, it's who I'm with."
"Then you don't understand why you have been saved."
"Was there even a reason? It's something I don't regret but I still don't understand."
"If you want your friends to go to heaven, then take them. You crave change and I have given it to you."
"I don't like change."
"You are the change."
"I keep hearing that God had perfect timing, but how is it perfect? I've almost put this behind me hundred times..."
"I am letting you live...so others can live with you, for eternity."
And then I smiled. I understood.
All in all, I can't say if it was my own thoughts, or the holy spirits but by the end of the conversation that same feeling of being saved doused over me. The shaking knees, the sudden desire to sit down and catch my breath, the sudden urge to praise, to jump, to be naive, to neglect negativities, to be oblivious to the world, to scream out words that I've never even heard before. By the end of it, the revelation was that 'I am the change'. With God's help I can help save the ones I love, to use me to save others. Thats what I believe anyway.
God is love. Love is movement. Movement is change. Change is good.
I said "I'd rather burn in hell with the ones I love than sit alone in heaven. It's not where I am, it's who I'm with."
"Then you don't understand why you have been saved."
"Was there even a reason? It's something I don't regret but I still don't understand."
"If you want your friends to go to heaven, then take them. You crave change and I have given it to you."
"I don't like change."
"You are the change."
"I keep hearing that God had perfect timing, but how is it perfect? I've almost put this behind me hundred times..."
"I am letting you live...so others can live with you, for eternity."
And then I smiled. I understood.
All in all, I can't say if it was my own thoughts, or the holy spirits but by the end of the conversation that same feeling of being saved doused over me. The shaking knees, the sudden desire to sit down and catch my breath, the sudden urge to praise, to jump, to be naive, to neglect negativities, to be oblivious to the world, to scream out words that I've never even heard before. By the end of it, the revelation was that 'I am the change'. With God's help I can help save the ones I love, to use me to save others. Thats what I believe anyway.
God is love. Love is movement. Movement is change. Change is good.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Sleep by Anchor and Braille
Gonna know now this song's about you
I wrote these words with you in mind
Anne baby, don't you think you deserve
A little more cause you've been used up
And thrown around like worthless hope
All in all in all again
You've got more damned sinners
Than saints as friends
Your halo's slid and it's choking you
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
Four AM, there's someone on your shoulder
They call when it's suddenly cold
You're like an autumn's leaf in winter's wind
Blown away by the sudden lack of friends
When you need someone close
Don't feed me lines of good intentions
I'm the greatest of the least of these
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
As execrable as some of the lyrics are, this song is just so beautiful and the lyrics have been written so astringently yet so calming. Almost tongue-in-cheek. This song is definitely a comforting dedication, letting someone know that someone understands their crisis, even if that person doesn't know they are facing that crisis at the time. This song is written with love.
I wrote these words with you in mind
Anne baby, don't you think you deserve
A little more cause you've been used up
And thrown around like worthless hope
All in all in all again
You've got more damned sinners
Than saints as friends
Your halo's slid and it's choking you
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
Four AM, there's someone on your shoulder
They call when it's suddenly cold
You're like an autumn's leaf in winter's wind
Blown away by the sudden lack of friends
When you need someone close
Don't feed me lines of good intentions
I'm the greatest of the least of these
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here all night
We'll sleep, we'll sleep, we'll sleep
When we die
So just lie awake with me here tonight
As execrable as some of the lyrics are, this song is just so beautiful and the lyrics have been written so astringently yet so calming. Almost tongue-in-cheek. This song is definitely a comforting dedication, letting someone know that someone understands their crisis, even if that person doesn't know they are facing that crisis at the time. This song is written with love.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Finally...monotony.
I tried to escape it. I lost. I'm glad I lost. My routine changed...and now it has changed back. All these ups and downs are manic. I never thought I'd be glad to face the same thing over and over. Then again, it's a little sad. Sad that all I can handle is what I'm used to. It makes me want to change it all again.
As for today: school, homework, music, chat, food, TV, read a little and then sleep.
Tomorrow I'm back at youth group, should be good, I miss that place. The energy in that place is so strong you can feel your hand brush against it. But it's a good feeling. It scares me how I was close to giving it all up, but that idea had prevailed as of last night. The bible study was something I needed. Something to help open my eyes. 'Inner demons make demands' sometimes and try persuade me that maybe this isn't the place I'm meant to be. But lately the voices have halted and everything is running smoothly, but for how long this time? I shouldn't worry about it anyway. If I look for trouble, I'll surely get trouble. That's what happened last time.
As for today: school, homework, music, chat, food, TV, read a little and then sleep.
Tomorrow I'm back at youth group, should be good, I miss that place. The energy in that place is so strong you can feel your hand brush against it. But it's a good feeling. It scares me how I was close to giving it all up, but that idea had prevailed as of last night. The bible study was something I needed. Something to help open my eyes. 'Inner demons make demands' sometimes and try persuade me that maybe this isn't the place I'm meant to be. But lately the voices have halted and everything is running smoothly, but for how long this time? I shouldn't worry about it anyway. If I look for trouble, I'll surely get trouble. That's what happened last time.
A change
So as word gets around so does God. I think I knew that when I needed him most, so close to giving up but saying that I'll hold on, I am again sheltered by his loving arms.
Tonight I went to a friends house and I learned the 'foundation' of Christianity. Before walking into the house almost everything seemed daunting. The idea of being a Christian was something to fear. This is where I change.
Change. A word I absolutely hate. I have never in my life changed for anybody. Ever. And I pity the people who become who other people want them to be. I'll congratulate you for becoming someone who you never intended to be. Change cannot be avoided, it's inevitable. Things always change. And now, I was about to change.
But changing wasn't for anybody. This is for God.
I wrote a poem the other day describing the walk to the altar, the same altar that changed my world and soon after...changed me. "The altar alters my world, the altar alters all I know."
That night marked my belief in God, Jesus Christ and the holy spirit. However, it did not mark my religious status. This was merely an acknowledgment.
Now, I have accepted Christianity as the life I lead. The lifestyle that has doused over me. Before I only saw restrictions...earthly restrictions. Heavenly thoughts only came afterwards. I suppose the 'heavenly thinking' is what I longed for, and as of tonight, had received. But I do enjoy rambling on about the world I live in. How can't I? It was made to be a wonder.
Tonight I went to a friends house and I learned the 'foundation' of Christianity. Before walking into the house almost everything seemed daunting. The idea of being a Christian was something to fear. This is where I change.
Change. A word I absolutely hate. I have never in my life changed for anybody. Ever. And I pity the people who become who other people want them to be. I'll congratulate you for becoming someone who you never intended to be. Change cannot be avoided, it's inevitable. Things always change. And now, I was about to change.
But changing wasn't for anybody. This is for God.
I wrote a poem the other day describing the walk to the altar, the same altar that changed my world and soon after...changed me. "The altar alters my world, the altar alters all I know."
That night marked my belief in God, Jesus Christ and the holy spirit. However, it did not mark my religious status. This was merely an acknowledgment.
Now, I have accepted Christianity as the life I lead. The lifestyle that has doused over me. Before I only saw restrictions...earthly restrictions. Heavenly thoughts only came afterwards. I suppose the 'heavenly thinking' is what I longed for, and as of tonight, had received. But I do enjoy rambling on about the world I live in. How can't I? It was made to be a wonder.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Following religion religiously
I just can't do it. I'm so very close to giving up my faith and hope in everything. This is the brink. The overflow starts now, whatever happens will pour out and I won't be able to take it anymore of anything. Having Jesus in my life made me so incredibly happy that I began to wonder when the fall would come. Only rising, I got scared. The feeling of Jesus kept me alive...now I feel as if it is keeping me restricted from everything. Where did the good feeling go?
I like church and youth groups and praising God. It's amazing. It's something I do love, but now the feelings outside of those places are slowly lifting. I don't know what to do...I didn't think this would happen.
The night I found God, didnt mean I stopped looking. I went deeper, now I've gone deeper and have been taunted by its complexities. Stephen Christian said "it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."If I never read this quote, perhaps I may have given up. I may have changed my life, or the way I base my life around someone else, for example, a heavenly father. In no way am I willing to give up my life-long journey on discovery. The truth and beauty in me, God and the world.
I first read that quote before thinking about withdrawing myself from something that would mean everything right before I die (kudos to anberlin for great lyrics). I don't know why, but walking home from school, after constantly asking for signs, after asking if I was doing anything right, it was a prayer that needed no answer. Because the answers were around me the whole time. As I was walking the quote randomly arose in my mind, while a song was playing through worn out headphones: "Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart, with quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark."
"Don't drop you arms"- form of praise
"I'll guard your heart"- obviously referring to the trust in God
"With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark"- Theres good times and bad time, and there's a God to pull you through
Just maybe, I was looking at religion the wrong way. And now, I'm looking at the same thing from a different viewpoint. And it's looking better.
As for all the other problems I'm facing...take it as it comes, let the good times roll. Forbidden loves, old lovers, madness of the mind, inspirations and the common teenage runaways are all sounding very interesting right now, and I can barely wait to see how each one turns out. Maybe thats what makes life so interesting, how each time you face something so terrible, that you come out of it looking better than when you went in. Life, wouldn't be life if it didn't have a bad time in my opinion. If there were no bad times, then the everyday phrase "that's life" would have an entirely different delivery. I like to feel anger, bitterness, hatred and confusion because it reminds me how human I really am. That these are the people I could be. An angry person, a bitter person, a hate filled person, a confused person. I could be anyone, and I choose to be who I want to be.
As for right now...all I can really think is 'wow, this'll make a good story one day.'
As for who I am. I can't say. I know who I've been though...and overall I haven't changed all that much. I was never a fan of change so I say I've 'grown' into becoming who I'd like to be. One thing I'll never do is say I'm good or bad. I don't believe in good and bad, in right and wrong.
There are reasons of absolutely everything. I've said this recently in another blog "There is no right or wrong, only difference. There are reasons for everything. There is malice behind actions, there is always history before an event."
And finally again, the quote.
"it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."
Let's keep looking.
I like church and youth groups and praising God. It's amazing. It's something I do love, but now the feelings outside of those places are slowly lifting. I don't know what to do...I didn't think this would happen.
The night I found God, didnt mean I stopped looking. I went deeper, now I've gone deeper and have been taunted by its complexities. Stephen Christian said "it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."If I never read this quote, perhaps I may have given up. I may have changed my life, or the way I base my life around someone else, for example, a heavenly father. In no way am I willing to give up my life-long journey on discovery. The truth and beauty in me, God and the world.
I first read that quote before thinking about withdrawing myself from something that would mean everything right before I die (kudos to anberlin for great lyrics). I don't know why, but walking home from school, after constantly asking for signs, after asking if I was doing anything right, it was a prayer that needed no answer. Because the answers were around me the whole time. As I was walking the quote randomly arose in my mind, while a song was playing through worn out headphones: "Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart, with quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark."
"Don't drop you arms"- form of praise
"I'll guard your heart"- obviously referring to the trust in God
"With quiet words I'll lead you in and out of the dark"- Theres good times and bad time, and there's a God to pull you through
Just maybe, I was looking at religion the wrong way. And now, I'm looking at the same thing from a different viewpoint. And it's looking better.
As for all the other problems I'm facing...take it as it comes, let the good times roll. Forbidden loves, old lovers, madness of the mind, inspirations and the common teenage runaways are all sounding very interesting right now, and I can barely wait to see how each one turns out. Maybe thats what makes life so interesting, how each time you face something so terrible, that you come out of it looking better than when you went in. Life, wouldn't be life if it didn't have a bad time in my opinion. If there were no bad times, then the everyday phrase "that's life" would have an entirely different delivery. I like to feel anger, bitterness, hatred and confusion because it reminds me how human I really am. That these are the people I could be. An angry person, a bitter person, a hate filled person, a confused person. I could be anyone, and I choose to be who I want to be.
As for right now...all I can really think is 'wow, this'll make a good story one day.'
As for who I am. I can't say. I know who I've been though...and overall I haven't changed all that much. I was never a fan of change so I say I've 'grown' into becoming who I'd like to be. One thing I'll never do is say I'm good or bad. I don't believe in good and bad, in right and wrong.
There are reasons of absolutely everything. I've said this recently in another blog "There is no right or wrong, only difference. There are reasons for everything. There is malice behind actions, there is always history before an event."
And finally again, the quote.
"it's human to doubt, it's ending the conquest for truth that is foolish."
Let's keep looking.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sign up! Where will you go when you die?
This is pissing me off. Okay I go to church, a youth group and even bible study a few times, but is it all done in vein? Recently, Ive discovered the very fine line that separates the 'word of God' and 'believing in God'.
I'm sorry but I'm just having trouble believing in his supposed 'word', although I have NO trouble believing in God himself. And I guess what throws me off is that I look at Christians on the TV and they preach their hearts out, beating the devil down, blaming the devil for absolutely everything!
well guess what! your wrong. it isnt always a devil. it isnt always God. There is YOU. I am the architect to my own success and dismay. there is no devil. not here. i accept responsibility for ALL of my actions. I accept consequence. Why cant Christians just say 'NO, it wasnt the devil. it was ME!'
and i understand that im not at liberty to speak badly on something i know so little about, but apparently am part of, which makes no sense to me. but i just cant keep it in anymore. christians make me sick. i believe in God and to say the dead honest truth, i havent read much of his word and its hard to believe that this IS his word passed down from 2000 years ago.
look, shakespears plays are changing...whether you want to admit it or not, so will the bible. the meanings will be twisted and manipulated.
i dont know what to believe anymore, i do believe in Jesus Christ, and the bible is looking very erratic right now. i dont know why i feel this way.
i dont want to withdraw myself from all christian activities, i enjoy my church, my youth group and all the in-betweens. but honestly...is this what i believe in?
im on this journey of self discovery, im trying to find truth in the world and beyond and now theres God. God suddenly appears in my life...but what are you trying to tell me?
I'm sorry but I'm just having trouble believing in his supposed 'word', although I have NO trouble believing in God himself. And I guess what throws me off is that I look at Christians on the TV and they preach their hearts out, beating the devil down, blaming the devil for absolutely everything!
well guess what! your wrong. it isnt always a devil. it isnt always God. There is YOU. I am the architect to my own success and dismay. there is no devil. not here. i accept responsibility for ALL of my actions. I accept consequence. Why cant Christians just say 'NO, it wasnt the devil. it was ME!'
and i understand that im not at liberty to speak badly on something i know so little about, but apparently am part of, which makes no sense to me. but i just cant keep it in anymore. christians make me sick. i believe in God and to say the dead honest truth, i havent read much of his word and its hard to believe that this IS his word passed down from 2000 years ago.
look, shakespears plays are changing...whether you want to admit it or not, so will the bible. the meanings will be twisted and manipulated.
i dont know what to believe anymore, i do believe in Jesus Christ, and the bible is looking very erratic right now. i dont know why i feel this way.
i dont want to withdraw myself from all christian activities, i enjoy my church, my youth group and all the in-betweens. but honestly...is this what i believe in?
im on this journey of self discovery, im trying to find truth in the world and beyond and now theres God. God suddenly appears in my life...but what are you trying to tell me?
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Fascination with death
I've noticed something about myself. I tend to ask questions that have answers that lead to more questions. And I like it that way. I'm at this stage where I'm just hungry for knowledge, to know as much as I possibly can before I die. But recently it's my fascination with death that I have been fixed to.
My former mindset used to stand as: 'No point in learning anything because we are all going to die anyway.' This was before a touch from God. Whatever your set beliefs are, we must accept death. Death is part of life and life is only temporary. It's nothing to be feared.
I've noticed I am now purchasing books relating to death such as Veronika Decides to Die and Tuesdays With Morrie (both very inspirational novels). While one is about suicide, the other is about grasping every possible moment in your life. Neither of them are wrong on the ways in which they accept death.
If anything, I've learned that death is a significantly beautiful thing. It makes sure that we cannot take life for granted because it escapes us. If we embrace life and live in serenity, do everything we possibly can, have the best times of being alive, then we can also embrace death.
The only disagreement I have with death is that it can snatch people away from us at very inappropriate times. A lot of us won't live to die old, and the good die young. But again, part of life.
I've also been thinking a lot about euthanasia. We do have a right to live, so do we then possess the right to die? Whose to say "You've suffered enough in life, you may die if you choose" or "No you still have time to pull yourself through."?
Emotional and physical trauma can cause emotional and physical damage that someone may not want to live with. It actually is possible for someone to be content with dying, be happy that they are leaving the world because at the end of the day, it just isn't for them. Can you really tell someone otherwise?
My former mindset used to stand as: 'No point in learning anything because we are all going to die anyway.' This was before a touch from God. Whatever your set beliefs are, we must accept death. Death is part of life and life is only temporary. It's nothing to be feared.
I've noticed I am now purchasing books relating to death such as Veronika Decides to Die and Tuesdays With Morrie (both very inspirational novels). While one is about suicide, the other is about grasping every possible moment in your life. Neither of them are wrong on the ways in which they accept death.
If anything, I've learned that death is a significantly beautiful thing. It makes sure that we cannot take life for granted because it escapes us. If we embrace life and live in serenity, do everything we possibly can, have the best times of being alive, then we can also embrace death.
The only disagreement I have with death is that it can snatch people away from us at very inappropriate times. A lot of us won't live to die old, and the good die young. But again, part of life.
I've also been thinking a lot about euthanasia. We do have a right to live, so do we then possess the right to die? Whose to say "You've suffered enough in life, you may die if you choose" or "No you still have time to pull yourself through."?
Emotional and physical trauma can cause emotional and physical damage that someone may not want to live with. It actually is possible for someone to be content with dying, be happy that they are leaving the world because at the end of the day, it just isn't for them. Can you really tell someone otherwise?
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